Shrek is a 2001 animated film about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King.

Directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson. Written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio. Story by William Steig (book)
The greatest fairy tale never told. (taglines)

Dialogue

[The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One named Chris stepped forward determinedly]
Villager #1: [sotto] Think it's in here.
Villager #2: [sotto; intense] All right. Let's get it!
[Another villager named James looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing Chris and stopping him]
Chris: Whoa! Hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?
[A third villager named Mike pipes in]
Mike: [forboding] Yeah. It'll grind your bones for it's bread.
[The other villagers all stare at Mike bewildered. The villagers hear the new voice and spin around]
Shrek: [brightly; laughing] Yes. Well, actually, that would be a giant.
[Shrek is standing nonchalantly behind the villagers, he advances on them as he speaks, getting more intense and terrifying as he does. They back away frightened]
Shrek: [continued; starts nonchalant and build] Now ogres... Oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
[Villager James leaps forward bravely waving the torch in front of Shrek]
James: Back! Back beast! Back! I warn you!
[Shrek leans away, avoiding the torch and watching James with casual indifference. When James is done with waving, he holds the torch threateningly in front of him. Shrek moistens his thumb and forefinger and reaching forward, snuffs out the torch. The villagers stand stunned for a moment]
James: Right.
[Shrek huge long roar. Simultaneously the villagers screw their eyes closed and scream for all they're worth. The villagers huge long scream. Their scream outlasts Shrek's roar and Shrek ponders them for a moment]
Shrek: [whispers] This is the part where you run away.
[The ogre hunters all run as fast as they can. We cut in close on Shrek as he watches them go. He chuckles to himself]
Shrek: [continued] And stay out!
[Shrek suddenly notices a small flyer that the villagers have left behind. He pick it up and reads it]
Shrek: [continued] "Wanted: Fairytale creatures."
[He tosses it into the ground and heads back into his house]
Old Lady: [moves Donkey's lips] I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.
Captain: [annoyed and angrily] Get her outta my sight!
Old Lady: No, no! I swear! [Guards took her away]
Shrek: [to Donkey angrily] WHY...are you following me?
Donkey: I'll tell you why. [sings] Cause I'm all alone. / There's no one here beside me. / My problems have all gone. / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends!
Shrek: Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
Donkey: Uh... [looks Shrek up and down] Really tall?
Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey: [shakes his head happily] Nope.
Shrek: [surprised] Really?
Donkey: Really, really.
Shrek: Oh.
Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?
Donkey: [looks at a hovel] Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home!
Donkey: Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at a boulder] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. [eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home] I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Ya'know, I do, too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give them a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... [silence ensues] ...Can I stay wit you?
Shrek: Uh, what?!
Donkey: Can I stay wit you... please?
Shrek: [sarcastically] Of course!
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! [slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!
Shrek: Okay! Okay. But one night only.
Donkey: Ah, thank you! [runs to the chair inside]
Shrek: Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no!
Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
Shrek: Drrr'ohh!
Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?
Shrek: Outside!
Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.
[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarfs have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]
Shrek: Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!
Dwarf: Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
Shrek: Huh?
[rushes over to his bed to find...]
Big Bad Wolf: What?
Shrek: [Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck angrily] I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!? Oh, no. Oh, no.
[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, angrily glares at Donkey]
Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
Shrek: What?
Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!
Shrek: By who?
Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.
Shrek: All right. Who knows where is Farquaad guy is?
Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.
Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him?
Lord Farquaad: [sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk, as Gingy is saying “No!” and trying to talk in the milk] That's enough! He's ready to talk. [Gingy coughs and gets put down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat] [playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up] Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingy: You’re a monster.
Lord Farquaad: I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. [evilly crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this] Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
Gingy: Eat me! [angrily spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]
Lord Farquaad: [angrily grunts and straining] I have tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached it's end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… [angrily reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]
Gingy: No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: [angrily shines a lamp on Gingy] Alright, then, who's hiding them?!
Gingy: Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man?
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingy: The muffin man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?!
Gingy: The muffin man!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.
[Door opens]
Captain: My lord! We found it.
Lord Farquaad: Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]
Gingy: Ohhh...
Lord Farquaad: Magic Mirror.
Gingy: Don't tell him anything! [Farquaad drops in the trash can] No!
Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius?
[Thelonius the executioner smashes a small looking glass]
Lord Farquaad: You were saying?
Magic Mirror: [nervous] I mean you're not a king yet! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...
Lord Farquuad: Go on...
[arriving at Duloc]
Shrek: [observing a giant building] So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle...
Donkey: Uh-huh, that's the place.
Shrek: Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?
[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord Farquaad: What is that? It's hideous!
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice. [gestures to Donkey] It's just a donkey.
[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]
Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
Shrek: Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.
Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? Okay, uh... ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes... No!
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
Shrek: [peels an onion] No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... Onions have layers? You get it? We both have layers.
[frustratingly heaves a sigh and then angrily walks off]
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes!
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
Shrek: Y’know, I think I preferred your humming.
Donkey: Do you have a tissue or somethin'? I'm makin' a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin'.
[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]
Donkey: Don't look down, keep on moving', don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin', don't look down... [a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey] Shrek, I'm lookin' down! [screams] Oh!
Donkey: [screams] Don't do that!
Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? [rocks the bridge]
Donkey: Yes, that!
Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it? Okay. [continues rocking]
Donkey: [screams] No, Shrek! I'm gonna die, Shrek I'm gonna die! Oh.
Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
Donkey: Cool. So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up! Now, o over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek: [picking up the knight's armor sleeves and helmet] The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: How do you know that?
Shrek: I read it in a book once. [putting the helmet on and walking off to find the princess's tower]
Donkey: Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!
Shrek: [after putting on armor] Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the...?
Donkey: DRAGON!
Donkey: [gets cornered by Dragon] Oh, what large teeth you have! [Dragon roars] I-I-I-I
Fiona: Where are you going? The exit's over there!
Shrek: [going to save Donkey] Well, I have to save my ass.
Fiona: [shocked] What kind of knight are you?!?!?
Shrek: One of a kind.
Donkey: Hi, Princess!
Fiona: It talks!
Shrek: Yeah, it's gettin' him to shut up that's the trick!
Fiona: The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
Donkey: Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
Fiona: And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in short supply. [chortles, washes his face]
Donkey: Yeah! There are those who think little of him!
[Shrek and Donkey laugh]
Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Shrek: [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow!
Fiona: [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
Shrek: No, that'll take longer.
Fiona: But there's... robbers in the woods!
Donkey: [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
Shrek: Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest-
Fiona: [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!
Donkey: Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp, anyway?
Shrek: OUR swamp?
Donkey: You know, when we're though rescuing the princess and all that...
Shrek: Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out!
Shrek: [sarcastic] No! You think?
Donkey: Are you hiding something?
Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.
Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.
Donkey: Why won't you talk about it?
Shrek: Why do you want to talk about it?
Donkey: Why are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking!
Donkey: Oh, yes, you are.
Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.
Donkey: Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?
Shrek: Everyone! Okay?!
Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere!
Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!
Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
Donkey: You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]
Fiona: Oh, oh, this is all my fault...
Donkey: Why, what's wrong?
Fiona: Shrek's hurt!
Donkey: Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay!
Donkey: You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
Fiona: [grabs Donkey] Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, run into the woods and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
Fiona & Shrek: Donkey!
Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
[runs off]
Shrek: What're the flowers for?
Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.
Shrek : Ah.
Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
[gives the arrow a little yank]
Shrek: [jumps away] Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
Fiona : I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
Shrek: No, it's tender.
Fiona: Now, hold on.
Shrek: What you're doing is the opposite of help.
Fiona: Don't move.
Shrek: Look, time out.
Fiona: [Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face] Would you... [grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
Shrek: [screaming] OW!
Donkey: [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! [Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]
Shrek: Ow! Not good.
Fiona: Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. [Grunts] It's just about...
Shrek: Ow! Ohh!
Donkey: [he sees Fiona on top of Shrek] Ahem.
Shrek: Nothing happened…
[Fiona falls off]
…We were just, uh-
Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just trying to help.
[Fiona yanks the arrow out]
Shrek: Ugh!
[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]
Shrek: [hoarsely] Ow!
Donkey: Hey, what's that? [nervous chuckle] That's...is that blood?
[faints]
Donkey: Man, isn't this romanic? Just look at that sunset.
Donkey: [goes into the old windmill] Princess! Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?
[early dawn while Donkey sleeps, Fiona stays in the windmill and picks a sunflower's pebbles 1 by 1, decides weather or not to tell Shrek about her secret curse]
Fiona: I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. [signs] I tell him. [goes outside] Shrek! Shrek? There's something I want...
[Fiona doesn't see Shrek around, then notices the sun rise. She shuts her eyes from the sunlight, as she transforms back to her human self]
[after Fiona rides with Farquaad and his knights back to Duloc]
Donkey: Shrek, what are you doin'? You're letting her get away!
Shrek: Yeah, so what?
Donkey: Shrek, there's somethin' about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, she's...
Shrek: I know you talked to her last night! You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home?!
Donkey: Shrek, I... I wanna go wit you.
Shrek: Yeah, I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! Me! Nobody else, understand? NOBODY! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING DONKEYS!
Donkey: But... I thought...
Shrek: Yeah, well, you know what? You thought wrong.
Donkey: Donkey? What are you doing?
Donkey: [gathering branches] I would think YOU of all people would recognize a wall when you saw one!
Shrek: Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it!
Donkey: It is around your swamp! That's your half and this is my half!
Shrek: Oh, your half! Hmmm!
Donkey: Yes, MY half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head!
[Shrek angrily removes the stick and Donkey stops him from removing]
Shrek: Back off!
Donkey: No! YOU back off!
Shrek: This is MY swamp!
Donkey: OUR swamp!
Shrek: Let go, Donkey!
Donkey: YOU let go!
Shrek: Stubborn jackass!
Donkey: Smelly ogre!
Shrek: Fine!
Donkey: Hey, come back. I'm not through with you yet.
Shrek: Well, I'm through with you.
Donkey: Uh-uh. You know with you it's always "me, me, me. Well, guess what! Now it's my turn!
Fiona: [Shrek interrupts her and Farquaad's wedding] What are you doing here?
Lord Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...
Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.
Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me...
Shrek: [stopping Fiona from marrying Farquaad and confesses his feelings to her] But you can't marry him.
Fiona: And why not?
Shrek: Because... because he's just marrying you so he can be king.
Lord Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
Shrek: He's not your true love.
Fiona: And what do you know about true love?
Shrek: Well, I... uh... I mean...
Lord Farquaad: Oh, this is precious.[chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.[signaling his guards, one of them holds up a cue card reading "Laugh", and the attendees roar with laughter] An ogre and a princess!
Fiona: Shrek, is this true?
Lord Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after. Now kiss me!
[Fiona notices the sunset]
Fiona: "By night 1 way, by day another." [to Shrek] I wanted to show you before.
[Fiona walks backwards towards the window, smiles sheepishly before closing her eyes. She then transforms back into an ogre, whispering: "True love's kiss, and then take love's true form." When she revels his ogre form, the audiences gasps and 1 faints. Fiona opens her eyes and smiles to Shrek]
Shrek: [surprised, but amused] Well, uh.... that explains a lot.
Lord Farquaad: Urgh! It's disgusting! [Fiona gasps] Guards! Guards! I order you to get them out of my sight, NOW! [Guards arrive to snatch Shrek and Fiona side by side] Get them. Get them both!
Donkey: Alright, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!
Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right?
[Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre]
Fiona: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
Fiona: Really?
Shrek: Really, really.
Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending...
[Shrek and Fiona kiss]

See also

Taglines

  • The greatest fairy tale never told.
  • The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

Voice cast

  • Clive Pearse – Villager Mike
  • Bobby Block – Baby Bear
  • Jacquie Barnbrook – Wrestling Fan
  • Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg & Jean-Paul Vignon – Merry Men
  • Sim Evan-Jones – Villager #2
  • Jeremy Harrington – Screaming Villager
  • Gary A. Hecker – Dragon
  • Patty Cornell & Susan Fitzer – Clockwork Chorus
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