In the Beginning

Bob: So, what exactly is it that I'm supposed to do?

God: You don't know?

Bob: Well, sure I ... no.

God: Oh for ... you people. This isn't new stuff. It's written down in books, scrolls, stone tablets. What do you want me to do, scribble it on a bar napkin for you?

Bob: [holds up a napkin and pen] Would you? 'Cause that would really help.

God: You're on your own, Bob. Don't disappoint me. [he disappears]

Bob: God has literally put the fate of mankind in my hands!

Donna: And these would be the same hands that are inching up my nightie?

Bob: That's just a little confidence builder.

Andy Runs Away

[getting his car inspected at the Canadian border]

Bob: This is harassment, pure and simple.

Border Patrolman: Sorry sir, but you fit the profile. Mindless belligerence is one of our red flags.

Bob: What kind of idiot country is this?!

Border Patrolman: Fair warning sir, you're on the verge of talking yourself into a full cavity search.

Bob: Where do you get off threat- [cuts to Bob driving away with a frightened look on his face]

Bob: I wanted to ask you, I'm in sort of a tough bind with my kid and I need your help.

God: This is a tough week for me Bob. There's a crisis in Africa.

Bob: You always say that! You always say there's a crisis in Africa.

God: That's because there is always a crisis in Africa. You might know that if you picked up a news paper once in a while instead of filling your head with soft-core porn.

Date from Hell

God: Yeah, what if you bought her (Megan) a pony?

Bob: Pony? What's a pony gonna do?

God: Well, I don't know. I thought girls liked ponies.

Bob: Jordan Clark? I knew a Jim Clark in high school.

Jordan: He's my father.

Bob: No kidding. Did he ever marry that girl he got pregnant? (winks)

The Devil's Birthday

Donna: Honey, later tonight, can we have sex?

Bob: Well, okay. Since you asked so nice.

Donna: And by sex, of course, I mean clean, healthy love-making, staring deeply into each others eyes for hours and meditating on the gift of procreation.

Bob: You know what, maybe not.

Megan: Your wife wont let me go on a sleep-over I planned for weeks.

Donna: A sleep-over at a boy's house with the parents out of town.

Megan: That's just the way it worked out. We're not going to have sex mother. Gees! That's all you ever think about, you're obsessed with sex.

Neighbor's Keeper

Bob: Oh Donna?...

Donna: Yeah Bob...

Bob: Just an F. Y. I., I'm wearing that thong you bought me.

Donna: You've got those on backwards.

God's Favorite

Mike: Hey Bob, check this out. [hands him a newspaper clipping]

Bob: [reading] Aboard the plane that went down in Burkina Faso yesterday was a member of the Moro-Naba's royal family. [hands it back] So?

Mike: I just moved up a notch in the succession line.

Bob: Mike, you're not descended from African royalty. Your dad's a mattress salesman. He's not even the mattress king. That's Kenny's dad.

Andy: Mom, how come we don't go to church?

Donna: Ask Daddy, he talks to God.

Bob: Well, you know son, we did try a lot of different churches over the years. It was hard to choose.

Donna: Your father was looking for one that would let him shotgun beer and heckle the Minister.

Lonely at the Top

Bob: Mike, with softball season starting next week, I was checking the stats from last year and your batting average was a hundred points lower in afternoon games than night games.

Mike: Yeah, well the sun gets in my eyes.

Bob: I know. That's why today at lunch, I'd like you to grab a bat, go outside ... and stare at the sun. Get your eyes acclimated.

Mike: I'm not gonna blind myself for this team.

Bob: Okay. [writing] Doesn't have heart of champion.

Bob Gets Greedy

Neighbor: Alman! Get that fountain off your front lawn, it's an eyesore!

Bob: [yelling out the window] Then your wife would have to go back to drinking out of the toilet!

There's Too Much Sex on TV

Bob: [covering his sex tape playing on the TV] Stop looking! Stop looking!

Mike: It's too late, I've seen it.

Barry: I'll tell you what, Mike, I'll blind you if you'll blind me.

Barry's Date: You selfish bastards, who'll blind me?

God's Girlfriend

Bob: I mean, what's gonna happen to the universe? Who's gonna listen to our prayers?

Andy: Can't we pray to another God?

Bob: I really should have taken you to church.

Andy: You mean there's only one God?

Bob: Yeah.

Andy: We're screwed.

Bob Gets Involved

Council Member #1: Speaking of desperate, Sheila, what are you doing after the raid?

Council Member #2: Shh, I'm picking up something.

Council Member #1: Shh, so am I.

Donna: [looking outside] Bob, you want to tell me why there's a man relieving himself in our driveway?

Bob: That's Phil. He believes that the government uses plumbing to collect samples of DNA in order to ... it's okay, he asked.

Donna: Fine, it's your car.