Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Love Blactually

[At the bookstore, Brian is complaining about his love life]
Stewie: Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911!"
[cut to Horton the Elephant sitting in a chair reading a book. From another room, we hear a couple arguing]
Man: You think it's easy working all day?!
Woman: No-
Man: You think I like it?!
Woman: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!
Man: No, I- yeah, I like being away from you, 'cause I can't stand looking at you!
Woman: You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]
Man: Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!
Woman: NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]
Man: I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU! YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU!
Horton: [to himself] I'm sure there's two sides to this.
Cleveland: [when he has an orgasm with Carolyn] Wait. Wait! Wait!! OHHHH!!! And boom goes the dynamite.

I Dream of Jesus

[Peter, Stewie, and Brian are sitting at the kitchen table. Brian is reading a newspaper]
Peter: Brian, can I see that paper for a sec? [Brian hands him the paper] Huh, that's odd. I thought that would be big news.
Brian: You thought what would be big news?
Peter: Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Peter: Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard.
Brian: Heard what?
Stewie: Brian, don't!
[Peter puts the record on and starts dancing and singing Surfin' Bird]
Peter: You seem like a nice guy. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight?
Jesus: Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.
Peter: Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.
[cut to said clip]
Moviefone: Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
Matlin: The Last Mimzy.
Moviefone: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
Matlin: [impatiently] The Last Mimzy.
Moviefone: You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.
Matlin: No!
Moviefone: You have confirmed 300.

Road to Germany

Stewie: All right, Brian, we'll go. But don't touch anything while we're there. Even stepping on a mosquito can cause a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.
Brian: Really?
Stewie: Nah. You can do whatever you want.
[Adolf Hitler and a few Nazi soldiers capture Stewie, Brian, and Mort]
Hitler: This filth is making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the soldiers cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...
Brian: Unless what?
Hitler: Unless they can sing a charming musical number.
[Stewie and Brian smile at each other as the music starts playing. A pair of hats and canes are tossed at them]
Stewie & Brian: Whenever-
Mort: [stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get in the time machine?!

Baby Not On Board

Carl: Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? That box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome.
Chris: Yeah! But you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the 3rd one?
Carl: Yeah. Yeah.
Chris: Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending 3 movies walking there?
Carl: Well, that's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest.
Chris: I'm not arguing that with you. I'm just saying there's a hole in the story.
Carl: Did you like the movie?
Chris: Well, that's not the point.
Carl: Did you like the movie?
Chris: Of course. I love the movie. But look. I'm no writer. But if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it.
Carl: So, you didn't like the eagle?
Chris: No, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.
Carl: Oh. Have you ever seen Krull?
Chris: No.
Carl: Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.
Stewie: Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly-Obese Albert.
[cut to Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids; Albert is morbidly obese and sitting in the back of a pickup truck]
Russell: Hey, Morbidly-Obese Albert. We brought you some chocolates.
Albert: Oh, I can't eat those chocolates, on account of my diabetes. 'Member they had to take my foot?
[The Cosby Kids see that he has one less foot]
Russell: Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half price.
[Albert laughs]
Albert: Alright. Maybe I'll have one.
[he eats a chocolate]

The Man with Two Brians

Peter: Ah! Aah! What is that? What is that? I feel something.
Joe: It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.
Peter: I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared. [vomits on Brian]
Brian: Oh, God!
Peter: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now. Heat later.
[the New Brian is sitting on the couch with a slice of pie; Stewie comes up and sits down next to him]
Stewie: Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't pie without Cool Hwhip.
[Stewie doesn't get a reaction from the New Brian]
Stewie: Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.
[Still no reaction.]
Stewie: Did you hear what I said?
New Brian: Yeah, what about it?
Stewie: It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"
New Brian: No, why would it?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip. I'm emphasizing the H.
New Brian: Sounds right to me.
Stewie: Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
New Brian: No, not really. I like everything.
Stewie: God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
[the camera widens to reveal Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and the New Brian]
Killington: Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
Stewie: No...
Killington: Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.
[Stewie groans]

Tales of a Third Grade Nothing

[Near the end of the spelling bee; only Peter and Omar remain]
Tom: We're now down to our final two competitors: Peter Griffin and Omar North tower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate".
Omar: C-O-A-G-A...
[Buzzer sounds]
Tom: Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar! [mutters under his breath] Bet you could spell box cutter".
Omar: I'm 9 years old, and I'm Indian! Ugh!

Ocean's Three and a Half

[Stewie is trying to write a song on his guitar for Susie Swanson]
Brian: What's it called?
Stewie "Susie".
Brian: [sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie: Name 20.
Brian: "Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Alison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".
Stewie: Name 6 more.
Brian: "Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".
Stewie: Name 5 more.
Brian: "Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".
[Short pause; Stewie then throws his guitar on the floor and walks out]
Stewie: Go screw yourself.
Brian: Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.
Stewie: Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.
Brian: [voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? A little four-minute movie that tells the story of a...
Stewie: Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Family Gay

Lois: Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago! Did you get the beans?
Peter: Lois, I've got something better! Do you know how you've always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?
Lois: [gasps, touched] Oh, my God!
Peter: That's right, I've bought a horse!
[Peter sits in a doctor's office, undergoing a medical trial. The doctor fills a syringe with a black fluid.]
Peter: Okay, what's next?
Doctor: This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't done anything funny.
[He injects Peter with the fluid. Peter immediately grows a beard and curly hair, à la Seth Rogen.]
Peter: [in Rogen's voice] Hey, doc, are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go out on this date.
Doctor: [laughs] How charming and chubby! I'm rooting for you!

The Juice Is Loose

O.J.: Hi. Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter: That's my name, don't put a knife in it.
West: We don't want you in our town, Simpson! We don't love you as we did in 1993!
[cut to Homer Simpson from The Simpsons]
Homer: D'oh!
West: And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either!

FOX-y Lady

Anchorman: Lois, please, take the job for Fox's sake.
[Lois and Brian are touring the FOX News station, and Brian notices a large red button]
FOX Employee: That one's kind of fun. It emits a sound that only Al Gore can hear. [presses the button, cut to Al Gore painting a portrait of fruit]
Al Gore: There it is again!
Tipper Gore: It's probably just wind, Honey.
Al Gore: It's not the wind!
Brian: Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world!
Savage: That's all I ever wanted people to know.
Lois: Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.
Savage: You've got a deal!
Stern: [as the voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved.
Savage: [angrily] I don't need you anymore!
Stern: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

[Stewie is at a McDonald's Drive-Thru with the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation]
Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not much of a fast food eater.
Stewie: Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinkin' "shut up and get a salad".
Spiner: I want some McNuggets.
Stewie: We'll get to you, Brent!
Wheaton: I want a hamburger-- no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake.
Stewart: [punches Wheaton's head against the window] You'll get nothing and like it!
Stewie: Uh, hello!
Drive-Thru Teller: Yes, welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?
Stewie: Oh, hailing frequencies open, huh? [chuckles] Uh, yeah. We're gonna get 2 McChicken Sandwiches and a Diet Coke and... What do you want, Michael?
Dorn: A McDLT.
Stewie: No. I already told you, they don't make those anymore.
Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.
Stewie: No McDonald's anywhere makes an McDLT anymore!
Frakes: I'd love a Shamrock Shake if they got any of those.
Stewie: It's September, Jonathan!
Burton: [w/visor on] Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off?
Stewie: No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.
Dorn: I'm just sayin', they have all the ingredients for a McDe...
[a car behind them honks its horn]
Stewie: Just hang on! All right?! There are a lot of us! There's a lot-- It's a big order!
Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?
Stewie: It's 3:00!
Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.
Stewie: None of 'em serve breakfast all day!
Dorn: Do they have a beer?
Peter: [says grace before the meal] Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out". I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried Left-Left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go Right-B-Up-dodge-Left-uppercut... [laughs] Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.

420

Tom and Diane: (both stoned) Here's Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather forecast.
Tom: How's the weather look, Ollie?
(cut to a stoned Ollie at a field)
Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.
(cut back to Tom and Diane)
Tom: Right on.

Stew-Roids

Peter: Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin?
Joe: He died in Iraq.
Peter: [unemotionally] Sad.
[Chris and the two girls trample Connie. Peter comes over]
Peter: Oh no! Connie's been hurt! I guess someone should lie on top of her to keep her warm.
[Peter smiles as he lies down on Connie, then he turns to the camera]
Peter: What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

We Love You Conrad

Peter: You know somethin', Brian? I bet you'll make the late-night monologues.
[cut to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon]
Fallon: I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it my style".
[laughter; cut to The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson]
Ferguson: Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purses. But Lauren carries one... in her pants.
[laughter; cut to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno]
Leno: Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. She gave that dog a bone, and... he gave it right back!
[laughter]
Brian: Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.
Chris and Meg: Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!
Peter: So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show...you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

Three Kings

  • Misery
Paul: You fondled me in my sleep?
Stewie: Yep.
Paul: I'm not sure I'm okay with that.
Stewie: Well, it's done.
[Red (Cleveland) is reading Andy's (Peter's) letter.]
Andy's voice: Dear Red, if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to go a little further. You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?
[Red pauses]
Red: CRAP!

Peter's Progress

[As King Stewart enters the church]
Citizen 1: [gasps] The king!
Citizen 2: The king is here!
Female Citizen: I didn't vote for him!
Madame Claude: I'm gettin' somethin'. I see you in London. I think it's the 1800s. Oh my! You were Jack the Ripper!
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