The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of Ed, Edd, n Eddy.

Out With the Old, In With the Ed [5.1]

[Outside, Kevin runs by, clothed only in swim trunks. He raises a water balloon]
Kevin: Too hot for you, Rolf? [He throws it at Rolf] Better cool off, bro!
Rolf: Okie dokie! [Edd opens his door and steps out] Prepare for Rolf's water-laden bovine bladder!
[Rolf chases Kevin. Jonny and Plank run down a pole, whizz-whazzing]
Jonny: Whizz, whizz it's time to whazz! Whizz, whizz it's time to whazz!
Sarah: [running through a sprinkler] Whee! Sprinkler fun!
Jimmy: I love getting sprinkled, Sarah!
Edd: [passing by a sunbathing Nazz, confused] But just yesterday, the air was cool. The leaves had turned color. Is that barbecue I smell?
'([A swimming tire decorated to look like a hamburger is pulled down over Edd, and Edd is yanked off. He lands between Ed, who is spinning two "bun" tires. Ed slams the burger between the buns]
Eddy: [wearing a "Smooch the Cook" apron] That's right, Sockhead. Now get out there and drum up some business.
Ed: [handing over black, rubber patties] Ready for sizzlin', boss!
[Ed heads behind the sign announcing the business and cuts up a tire, creating more patties. He looks for another tire. Finding none, he calls Eddy_
Ed: Uh-Oh. Outta burgers, boss!
Eddy: So? Get some more! [throws Ed out]
Edd: Excuse me, Eddy, but I'm a trifle confused...
Eddy: [explaining Edd's role] Burgers. Twenty-five. Cents. Eddy's. Summer. Barbecue. Got it? Now move it, we need customers!
Ed: Got beef, Eddy! [He comes back, carrying the axle of Rolf's tractor]
Eddy: That a boy, Lumpy!
Edd: [confused] Could somebody please tell me what is going on here? [turns to Jonny, who is in line]
Jonny: Nice hamburger costume. Not! Plank says Halloween's a long way away, Double D.
Edd: How can Plank be sure, Jonny? Does he know what month this is?
Eddy: [worried] Uh hey, Jonny! What'll it be, hungry homber?
Jonny: One veggie burger for me, Eddy! And Plank'll have two beef with lots of onions!
[Edd, suspicious, stumbles backwards. He sees an extension cord leading into a bank of bushes. He follows it into the bushes and pushes the foliage aside to reveal a heater]
Edd: A domestic heat enclosure?
[Edd sees a set of vents leading through the cul-de-sac, often poorly disguised as speed bumps or garden separators. One vent, leading up a tree, blows a leaf off. Edd picks it up and wipes off the green to reveal the red beneath]
Edd: Latex-based pigments? (looks up to see a fake bird next to a tape recorder chirping out birdcalls] Of all the dishonest, false-hearted...
Eddy: [serving customers] Get 'em while they're sizzlin!
Rolf: Hit Rolf, run-chuck Ed-boy, cooked rare like Papa's chafed elbows!
[Rolf flips him a quarter and Eddy catches it. Eddy looks at his loot and sees the faked leaf, held up to his face by Edd]
Edd: You're trying to fool everyone into thinking it's still Summer-
[Eddy shoves his hands over Edd's mouth]
Rolf: [confused] Summer? What? Hello? [Sarah and Jimmy peek out from behind him]
Eddy: Um...he said Summer's super sweet! [He drags Edd behind the sign] Zip it, blabbermouth! You're gonna blow our cash cow! Summer never ends, school will never start. And if school never starts, it's endless scamming, brother!
Jimmy: [shudders off-screen] I'm c-cold, Sarah!
[Above the cul-de-sac, storm clouds are gathering]
Jimmy: W-what's happening? [hugged Sarah]
[Rain starts to fall]
Eddy: [setting up a tent] No big deal! Get 'em while they're hot!
[His heating system shorts out. Harsh winds begin to blow, and blow Jimmy away]
Jimmy: [screams] Help! Sarah!
Sarah: Jimmy!
Eddy: Come back!
[The winds blow his tent away. Eddy desperately clutches at one leg, and is blown into a tree. He falls, and a tape recorder falls onto him]
Nazz: [struggling against the wind] What is with this weird weather?!
[The wind blows away a bank of bushes which were arranged to cover up three trashcans. One of the cans goes flying and lands on Kevin, dumping its contents all over the jock. The contents are a bunch of fall calendar pages. Kevin looks at the pile and picks one up]
Kevin: September? It ain't Summer, it's Fall, man! Somebody swiped our calendars!
Rolf: Son of a gun! Nipply Kevin speaks the truth!
Jonny: [unhappy] Check it out, buddy! We missed Labor Day! [to the kids] Plank's freaking out!
[Edd glares at Eddy]
Nazz: So doesn't school, like, start tomorrow?
Sarah: [freaking out] SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW?!?!?
[The kids run around randomly]
Sarah: Pencils! Papers!
Jonny: Binders, Plank! Binders!
Kevin: I gotta plan my lunches!
Nazz: I'm so not ready!
Jimmy: I still have last year's clothes!
Eddy: [whose apron now reads "Now I'm Mad"] Forget about the stupid school! It's Summer, I tell ya!
Rolf: Double D Ed-boy! [grabs Edd] Rolf knows of your peculiar persnickety ways. Surely you have stored supplies for the upcoming months of instructional hardship. [to his friends] The Ed-boy dwelling! Of course!
[The kids rush to Edd's house, intent on ransacking it]
Jonny: Binders buddy, binders!
Rolf: Stampede!
Edd: [running after them] Cease! Desist! The private property!
[The kids hammer on Edd's door. Suddenly, the hammering stops. A few seconds later, an axe breaks through the door. Rolf, crazed, leads the charge inside. Edd comes to the door, a horrified look on his face]
Edd: Good lord! You didn't even wipe your feet!
[A few seconds later, the kids rumble out of his house, carrying numerous supplies. Ed and Eddy watch)'
Ed: [excited] Double D's giving stuff away, Eddy!
[Inside his house, Edd lies on the floor, trampled. He raises his head and sees that his closet of school supplies has been ransacked and stripped bare of its contents. Edd feels the shelves, hoping against hope that he will find even one sheet of paper, knowing all the while that he will find not even that]
Eddy: What's this about you givin' stuff away? How am I supposed to compete with that?!?!
Edd: [shell-shocked] My school supplies! Gone! Pillaged! Plundered! [backs away from the empty closet] It can't be! [covers his eyes and then looks again] IT CAN'T BE! [falls to the ground, a quivering mess. He then stands up and pulls something from the seat of his pants] A highlighter pen? [looks at it] How am I supposed to take notes with a highlighter-
Ed: [jolly] Double D, can I have your hat?
Edd: Oh sure, why not?! Why would I need a hat when school is now totally out of the question! [throttles Ed and throws him on top of Eddy. Edd then has an idea] Wait! [to Ed] "You still have it, don't you? From your parents, yes? The back-to-school-sale coupon?
Ed: Haven't got a clue what you're talking about, Double D! All I got is a back-to-school-sale coupon from my parents. [pulls it out of his jacket]
Eddy: That stupid thing's worthless! The signs are as clear as the gap in your teeth, sockhead. School ain't meant to be. 'Cause it's Summer baby! [does a knee slide. His apron now reads "I ♥ Summer"]
Edd: [running to Ed] Ed, please! I beg of you! I can't be at an academic disadvantage! [Ed accidentally head butts Edd] Ouch. Without my school supplies, my grades are sure to plummet! [crouches on the floor, in tears] That coupon you're flossing with can procure the supplies to cross that desolate desert of scholastic learning!
Eddy: Oh puh-leeze.
Ed: Sounds good to me, whatever you just said!
[Edd smiles and drags a pantsless Ed out into the rain]
Edd: Quickly, Ed! We have shopping to do!
Eddy: [apron now reading "School Stinks"] Oh c'mon, guys! Forget school, will ya? SUMMER AIN'T OVER!!!! [throws off his apron. A breeze comes along and chills him] Brr!

Mission Ed-Possible [5.2a]

[Edd arrives at a large pit being dug by Ed]
Eddy: AH-HA!!! You're trapped! There's no escapin' now, smart guy! Hand over those report cards!! [Edd runs around the hole] He's getting away!
Ed: Dig a hole! Dig a hole! Dig a hole! Dig a hole! Dig a hole! Dig a hole! Dig a hole! Dig a-
Eddy: [kicks Ed in the but] YOU SHOULDA DUG DEEPER!!!
Eddy: [tangled in the antenna above the trailer] Just like our report cards, you've failed!
[Just as Eddy was about to advance towards double d when a giant arm appears wearing a watch and a ring on his middle finger, Eddy is scared to see his angry father]
Eddy: Dad?! Wait! Um, the grades are in Greek this year! I did good! I swear!
[As Eddy's dad pulled him away, someone grabbed Ed by the ear. It was Ed's mom]
Ed: Uh-oh. No auntie for Ed! Mommy! No auntie for Ed! [she pulled him away]

Every Which Way But Ed [5.2b]

Ed: [while spinning] We were standing next to a... hole in the wall... right after a big... boom, remember?

Boom Boom Out Goes the Ed [5.3a]

[Rolf and Kevin are in Rolf's house. Rolf turns on the TV]
Rolf: [excited] Hurry, Kevin! Come quick! It's beginning!
Kevin: [holding a fist of sorts] So, Rolf, this beauty pageant thing; hot babes, right?
Rolf: No babies, Kevin. This is a big to do in Rolf's homeland. The Miss Arduous Field Worker pageant!
Kevin: [confused] Field worker?
Rolf: [grabs the fist helmet Kevin was holding] Only Rolf may wear the Fist of Pageantry. (puts it on) Look, Kevin! Do you see Gretchen? She is much favored in the Callus Toss!
Kevin: (squinting) Callus Toss?
Rolf: [hitting him after the shot switches from Rolf's house to Ed's house] Again?! Why do you answer Rolf with questions?! Do you have potatoes in your ears, Kevin boy?!
[At Ed's house, Ed is watching Fish Bowl 2 on TV]
Ed: Seen it. [changing the same channel programs] Seen it. [same] Seen it. [again] Seen it. [Fish Bowl 2 yet again] Seen it.
[Eddy is sitting on Ed's bed, looking through comics and eating chips]
Eddy: Geez, Ed. Got any real magazines with real pictures?
Ed: Seen it.
Edd: [in the corner of the room, working on various homework assignments with a typewriter] You know, Eddy, when I agreed to this home-study group, it was with the understanding that everyone would do their fair share.
Eddy: If me and Ed did any work, you'd be kissing that grade average goodbye.
Ed: Seen it!
Edd: [despairing] Why me?
[Suddenly, the lights have gone out]
Eddy: [sitting up] Hey! Who turned out the light?!
Ed: [trying to change channels on his dead TV] Seen it.
[Edd opens Ed's window and looks out. The whole cul-de-sac's only source of light is the moon]
Edd: It seems the entire cul-de-sac is without light. It's a power outage, Eddy.
Eddy: [pointing to the house across the street] What's that?
[Someone comes out, shining a flashlight around]
Edd: Someone taking a proactive approach, I assume. [climbs out]
Eddy: Where you goin? Don't leave me alone!
Ed: Seen it! [pressing a button on his remote] Seen it! [Eddy grabs the remote and flings it at Ed, hitting his forehead] Didn't see that. [laughs as Eddy pulls him outside]
[Nazz is in her nightclothes, shining a flashlight around the darkened cul-de-sac]
Edd: Good evening, Nazz.
Nazz: Like, what's so good about it? There's no electricity, Double D.
Edd: [becoming shy] Ahh, Corneas. [back to normal] Nothing to fear, just the result of a sudden power surge, I suspect.
[Ed shoves Eddy into Edd and falls on them]
Eddy: Ed, you idiot!
Ed: Workin on it, Eddy! [looks at a comic in Eddy's pocket, and takes it out] Oh, brain food.
[The kids begin to gather]
Rolf: Is this a joke?
Kevin: [sarcastically] Yeah, 'cause I ain't laughing.
Jimmy: The dark scares me, Sarah!
Sarah: I'm scared too, Jimmy!
Eddy: Uh, so whose house we all sleeping at?
Edd: People, please! [Nazz shines the light on him] Stay calm! There's nothing to fear. Electrical grid fail–[the light moves away. Edd moves into it again]–failures or blackouts as–[it moves again, due to Nazz adjusting her hair. Edd has to don a helmet and climb a lamppost]–as they're more commonly known, are more often than not temporary!
Ed: [looking up from the comic] Blackout?
Eddy: Okay. So, how about we all hold hands and whistle a song?
Ed: [horrified] Gang-ho!" [grabs the flashlight from Nazz and shines it on his face] This is the work of the Cannibal Underground Mole Mutants! They have sucked the surface world of its power! [checking the comic book] And now will hunt us down for Sunday supper.
Edd: Enchanting, Ed, but do you really believe underground mole mutants are responsible for this?
[Pauses]
Jimmy: [freaking out] WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!
[The kids, except Rolf and Kevin, run around in a panic]
Rolf: [to Kevin] We must use the doohickey of the whatchamacallit that creates light and entertainment.
Kevin: You mean like, a generator?
Rolf: Is this a test?
[The panicking kids run into the Eds]
Nazz: [worried] Hey, where'd Kevin and Rolf go?
Sarah: They were here a second ago.
Ed: [shining the light on his face] Freeze-dried and mechanically de-boned, they always capture the strongest first.
Jimmy: [whimpering] I'm scared.
Ed: Rolf and Kevin were mere appetizers!
Jimmy: But I'm so petite! They'll eat me last! I'd be their raspberry swirl parfait! [cries a little]
Ed: It says, overripe bananas and day-old hot dog buns will make them go back from whence they came.
Eddy: [smiles] All this stuff's gold, Double D!
Edd: Gold? Don't tell me you would think of fanning these flames of paranoid fear, Eddy!
Eddy: Okay, I won't. [runs off somewhere]
[Rolf is forcing Kevin to drag the generator]
Rolf: Come, Kevin. We must power the do-jigger of energy in the well. [points to the manhole] So as not to disturb Nana.
Kevin: [sarcastically] Right.
[They look at the manhole silently]
Kevin: What?
Rolf: The lid! Pry open the lid! Must I do everything?
Kevin: Aw, man...[crouches down and tries to open the lid]
Rolf: Get a stick, nincompoop!
Kevin: This field worker thing's got you tied in a knot. [leaves]
[Eddy wheels a wagon full of hot dog buns and bananas to the center of the cul-de-sac]
Eddy: Step right up and get your mole mutant repellant!
Edd: Eddy, please! Refrain! Desist!
Eddy: One-stop shopping for all your cannibalistic mole mutant needs!
Jimmy: I'll take some bananas!
Jonny: Day-old hot dog for me!
Nazz: Over here, Eddy!
[Eddy's pile shrinks as his jar fills with quarters]
Kevin: Found one!
[Kevin has taken Plank and lodges him under the manhole and strains. Rolf takes over]
Rolf: Make haste, Kevin! [opens the manhole easily, though doesn't notice Plank fell in] As Rolf does not wish to miss the Elongated Toenail competition of the pageant!
Kevin: You're kidding, right?
[They hoist the generator]
Rolf: Use your muscles! Watch your back! Don't drop it! Too late!
[They fall into the hole]
Jonny: Holy Toledo! Plank's gone!
Ed: They have taken Plank for fiber, to help with their irregularity! [gazes into the sewers] A portal! They have dragged our comrades to their lair to be [flashes his inside head by the ear, showing his skull, made out of buttered toast] de-skulled.
[The kids scream and head for their houses]
Edd: All right, I've had quite enough of this nonsense! Mole mutants indeed. [putting on a protective bodysuit] I see it's up to me to prove once and for all–[Eddy is not listening, choosing to stare at his stash]–um, Eddy?
Eddy: Don't bug me. [resumes his joyous stare]
Edd: That there are no mole mutants, cannibalistic or otherwise. [enters the sewers]
[The kids creep to the edge and look down. Suddenly, Plank appears. The kids scream and run away, but Jonny comes back]
Jonny: [relieved] Plank?!
Edd: [using an extendable hand] I believe this belongs to you?
Jonny: [grabs Plank with joy] And to think you almost became mole laxative! Whoo!
Ed: [busting through the hole above the ground] Stop, Double D! They will dine on you with fast food utensils!
Edd: [waving his extendable finger] Ed, hush.
Ed: [with the chunk of ground around his neck] Double D's mad.
[Edd winds up the hand and enters the sewers. He hears the conversation of Rolf and Kevin and follows it. Suddenly, the sidewalk breaks, and he falls into the sewers]
Edd: Yuck! I'm covered in filth! It's so disgusting! [We see the kids are listening at the hole] Help!
Ed: They got Double D!
[All the kids, except Jonny, panic]
Plank:
Jonny: What's that buddy?
Plank:
Jonny: What plan?
Plank:
Jonny: [placing Plank on the mailbox] I'll tell 'em, buddy. Hey! Everybody! [the kids stopped running] Plank's got a brainstorm! [Ed casts the flashlight on Plank] Give it to 'em straight, buddy.
[Kevin is dragging the generator through the sewers. Rolf sits on top of it. One of Edd's calls is heard]
Kevin: Yo, what was that?
Rolf: Only Rolf listens, yes? [puts blinders on Kevin and listens] Hello?! Come again?!
Edd: Hurry, please, assistance!
Rolf: TURN ABOUT, KEVIN! Make like the wind! A damsel in need requests Rolf's service!
Edd: Good lord, it's seeping into my shoes!
[Telephone lines have been strung up between four houses: Jimmy's, Ed's, Nazz's, and Jonny's]
Jonny: Everybody in position?
Nazz: [in her bathroom] I guess so.
Sarah: [by her toilet] Ready!
Ed: [next to a toaster] Death to the mole mutants!
Jimmy: [also in position] I hope that hunk of wood knows what it's doing!
Jonny: Plank says on the count of three, we all flush! Flush like you've never flushed before! One! Two! Three! [the kids are poised] FLUSH!!!
[Rolf is pinning Edd up from pipes]
Edd: [grateful] Bless you, Bless you Rolf. Curse Ed's overactive imagination. Honestly, he had everyone convinced that mole mutants swarmed–
Rolf: Kevin boy! No! [facepalmed] Ay Yi Yi! [Kevin is powering the generator. Rolf looks at it] Look what you're doing! We cannot power Rolf's picture box at baby! We must have good enough!
Kevin: Gotcha. [pours on the steam as Rolf puts in a plug. Suddenly, the ground begins to rumble]
Rolf: Hello?
[A huge wave, created by the simultaneous flush, rounds the corner and heads for them]
Kevin: Dude.
Rolf: Duck.
Kevin: You mean dude, man.
Rolf: NO, Rolf means–!
[The wave slams into them]
[On the surface world, manholes are beginning to shake]
Jonny: It's working, Plank!
[Geysers of water from the sewer holes erupt from the earth]
Ed: Yeah! [Eddy is blown up by one in the process. Ed tries to catch Eddy as he falls] I gotcha, Eddy! [misses Eddy completely] I gotcha!
[In another spot, Rolf and Kevin fall to earth, Kevin hitting the ground first]
Rolf: Wait! Rolf falls first. [moves Kevin above him]
[The kids gather around Kevin and Rolf, happily]
Kevin: [standing up] All right, who's the wiseguy?
Jonny: It was Plank's idea! He saved the cul-de-sac from the mole mutants! Ha! He's a hero!
[A streetlight comes on, spotlighting the gathering. The kids cheer. The rest of the street's power returns]
Nazz: Curling tongs, here I come!
Jonny: Hero, hero, Plank's a hero!
Jimmy: Now I can finish my Potpourri, Sarah!
Kevin: [pushing Rolf] What say we chill over that field worker pageant thing, huh Rolf?
Rolf: [shoves Kevin in front of him] Rolf pushes.
[Ed stands in the middle of the light. He is staring at a familiar black hat. He drags Eddy over]
Ed: Eddy, look! Double D is double done for.
Eddy: [snapping back to reality] But it's the end of the show, Ed.
Ed: [wearing Edd's hat] I know, Eddy.
Eddy: [mournfully] I just can't believe it. [happily] I STILL GOT CASH, BUDDY BOY! FOR ONCE IN MY STINKING LIFE, I'M IN THE BLACK! Cha-ching!
[A figure growls and rises from the sewers. It walks towards the Eds]
Ed: MOLE MUTANT!!! [grabs Eddy's money jar]
Eddy: My money! [Ed heaves the money jar at the figure. It smacks the shadow dead on and sends it stumbling back into the sewers. The creature, Eddy's money, and Eddy's jar fall into the murky waste below the manhole] Ed!
Ed: Run away! It will eat us!
[Ed drags Eddy into his room and begins to block it off with some furnitures]
Eddy: Let me out of here! I gotta get my money!
Ed: But Plank missed one, Eddy!
Eddy: [trying to let himself out] Let me out or I'll...!
Ed: Can't do that, Eddy! [boards up his window, using a boot for a hammer] Not while one mole mutant walks this earth, drooling for its next victim! [hearing some growls from the bathroom, and Ed's toilet lid flaps] It has found us, Eddy!"
[Ed drags Eddy into a corner and clutches him. The creature exits the bathroom]
Ed and Eddy: MOLE MUTANT!!!
[The mole mutant sneezes, and some filth flies off. The mutant is none other than Edd]
Edd: Bless me.
Eddy: It's just Sockhead, stupid.
Ed: DOUBLE D! [grabs him in a bear hug] Upchucked and undigested! We are as once twice again.
Edd: My hat, thank you. [takes it from Ed] I'm going home now. I have a strict decontamination regimen to implement.
Eddy: Oh, no you're not! [puts on a scuba mask] We're going back into that sewer to get my cash, got it?!
Ed: Not so fast, buckos! [reading the comic book] It may be days before it is safe to go...um...outside, as we will be the last humans on earth, living on grubs and stale marshmallows.
Eddy: Gimme that stupid thing!
Ed: RUN AWAY!
Eddy: You better run!
Edd: Oh, for Pete's sake. [lets himself out]
Ed: But Eddy, it's a collector's issue!
Eddy: Yeah? Well collect this! [Edd reaches back in and turns off the lights. the colors goes negative] Hey! Who turned out the light?!

Cleanliness is next to Edness [5.3b]

Eddy: [to Edd] Hey! Rip Van Winkle! Get cracking, will ya, we're late for school!
Ed: An early bird catches the peanut, Double D!
Edd: School? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, gentlemen, but today's Saturday. [He shows a calendar. Eddy jumps up to look at it]
Eddy: Saturday? Ed, you dolt, you woke me up for school on a Saturday?
Ed: It wasn't my fault, Eddy! My belly told me it was bottomless gravy day in the cafeteria!

I Am Curious Ed [5.4a]

[Sarah and Jimmy are running through Jimmy's house. Jimmy is pretending to be a dragon, while Sarah is a knight]
Sarah: Kiss your butt goodbye, dragon!
[Jimmy trips. He gets up, fixes his costume, and resumes running]
Jimmy: Don't hurt me, brave knight!
[Sarah chases Jimmy upstairs and into a closet, where he runs into a wall. The chase stops]
Jimmy: I'm okay!
[The chase picks up again, but this time the dragon is chasing the knight]
Jimmy: Rarr! Rarr! Rarr! Rarr! Rarr!
Sarah: I got you now, dragon!
[They run back and forth past a fishbowl with two big fish and lots of little ones. Jimmy stops]
Jimmy: Look, Sarah! Fish and Chips have friends visiting!
Sarah: Holy cow, Jimmy, they look like babies!
Jimmy: Really? Babies?
Sarah: I think so, Jimmy.
Jimmy: But where do babies come from, Sarah?
Sarah: Beats the heck out of me, Jimmy.
Kevin: [off-screen] Blue! Forty-four!
[Sarah and Jimmy look out their window. Kevin is decked out in football regalia]
Kevin: Blue! Forty-four! Hut! Hut! Hut! [takes off and slams into a tree. Apples fall onto the ground around it. He removes his helmet] Not too shabby, huh?
Nazz: Awesome! Thanks, dude!
Kevin: [helping her pick up apples] Yo, Nazz, making jam?
Nazz: If you say so.
Jimmy: Nazz! Kevin! [He and Sarah rush up, carrying the goldfish bowl] My fishies had babies!
Nazz: [smiles] Oh, that's rad, Jimmy!
Sarah: Hey, you guys know where babies come from?
[Nazz blushes and giggles]
Kevin: [scratching his head in consternation] Babies, huh? Where do they come from? Uh...babies grow on trees. Like apples! [bites the apple he is holding] Go figure. Later! [walks away]
[Nazz, still giggling, follows him]
Jonny: He's got the tree part right! [hauling up a lobster trap] But the rest of it is a pile of malarkey! Plank and I know where babies come from! We saw last spring! [lifts the cage up. Plank is inside, pretending to be a lobster] Right, buddy? C'mon! [runs on top of the fence. Jimmy and Sarah grin at each other and follow]
[Jonny has built a giant fake nest. Jimmy and Sarah are inside, in egg costumes. Jonny climbs up]
Jonny: See, this is a nest! You need to build one! For the babies!
Jimmy: Ooh!
Jonny: Plank wants to be mama bird, and you guys are the eggs! [zips up both costumes]
Jimmy: [from inside the costume] I don't see any babies, Jonny.
Jonny: Shh. You have to wait for the warmth of mama bird to hatch you. [puts Plank on top of the eggs]
Sarah: [from inside the costume] This is stupid.
Jimmy: [from inside the costume] I'm getting a cramp, Sarah!
Jonny: Ding! Now you know! That's where babies come from! [Sarah bursts out of the egg and lets Jimmy out of his] Mama bird says it's time to feed the baby!
[Obediently, Jimmy opens his mouth. Jonny drops in a worm]
Jimmy: [realizing] I SWALLOWED A WIGGLY!!! [faints]
Sarah: JONNY, YOU IDIOT!!!! [the branch breaks, and they fall into Rolf's backyard, and she grabs Jonny] That's it, you're pulp! [begin to stomp him]
Rolf: [rushing outside] Stop! Have you gone crazy?! [separating them] What is the meaning of this que sera sera?
Sarah: Fathead made Jimmy eat a worm!
[Jonny grins, with his mouth full of debris. Rolf drops them and goes over to the wreckage. From it, he pulls out Jimmy]
Rolf: Spare Rolf your sorrow. Is this accusation true, one-is-a-lonely-number Jimmy?
Jimmy: All we wanted to know was where babies came from, Rolf.
Rolf: Hello! [puts Jonny on a sheep] Slappy! [slaps the sheep]
Jonny: Whoa, Nelly!" [the sheep runs off, taking Jonny and Plank with it]
Rolf: Come! And Rolf will explain as Rolf was told. [Both Sarah and Jimmy eagerly follow him]
[Rolf has set up in a traditional manner; a string of sausages stretches from a post to the listeners, and a fire blazes in front of them. Rolf puts on a hat and a false beard, and inserts a false pipe. He takes a deep breath]
Rolf: These words Rolf is about to share have been whispered down the bushy ears of Rolf's forefathers. Are you ready to accept the disclosure of newborn life?
[Sarah and Jimmy nod]
Rolf: [takes another breath] You are children. Go away. Thank you! [douses the fire and leaves]
Jimmy: Darn it! We'll never know, Sarah.
Sarah: Somebody's gotta know, Jimmy.
[Suddenly, the turf rolls up like a rug and carries them away]
[The grass rolls into the lane and spits them out into a box of ice cream and a bucket of ice. Eddy walks by]
Eddy: Brr! Got goosebumps? Well not anymore! Be the first on your block to get your very own, custom-built, sweat-inducing sweater! [gesturing to Ed, who is wearing the product, and hissing] Sell it, Ed.
Ed: Quack. Quack. Yeah.
Jimmy: But Eddy, we just want–
Eddy: Two? No problemo. I'll get Grandma Double D right on it. [gestures to Edd, who is dressed as a grandmother]
Edd: Knit one, purl two...oh curses, I missed a stitch!
Eddy: Get over it, you old coot! Our customers here want two sweaters, pronto! [giggles]
Sarah: We don't want your stupid sweaters, fishface! We wanna know where babies come from!
Eddy: [confused] Babies?
Ed: I got this one, Eddy. [stumbling off the display, he runs into Eddy] Babies come from storks! They fly through the night, carrying bundles of joy in their beaks that–
[Eddy grabs Ed's head and tears it off much to the horror of Sarah and Jimmy. He tosses it away. Ed's body follows it]
Eddy: That schlep don't know where babies come from! [secretive] But I do! It's a secret, you know. Yep, my brother told me.
Edd: Excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing. I would–
Eddy: [kicks Edd away] Of course this kinda info ain't cheap. Fifty cents and I'll let you in on the ways of the world.
Jimmy: [eagerly] Tell us Eddy! Tell us, please!
Sarah: [threateningly] You better be right.
[Eddy leads them away]
Edd: [hanging from a clothesline] Ed, Eddy's self-serving attempt to educate the children could bring irreversible harm to their youthful good-natured ways. [Ed screws his head back on] Perhaps a more sensitive explanation is in order.
Ed: [runs into a fence because his head is on backwards] Head stayed on, Double D!
[Eddy turns on a bare bulb in his otherwise darkened garage. Sarah and Jimmy squint]
Eddy: Ready? [gets no reply] Okay. Here it is. [looks around warily] You know that lint you find in your belly button? Well if you don't clean it out, it grows! And when it gets big enough, it runs away behind the couch! It waits there, jiggling, and gets even bigger! Then, it grows into a baby, and at night they come out and feed on table scraps! That's why babies smell so bad."
Jimmy: [clutching his ears] Stop, stop! I don't want to hear any more! Sarah! [whimpers]
[Sarah looks at Eddy angrily. Suddenly, the lights snap on. Sarah turns to Edd, who is at the door wearing a bee costume]
Edd: Guh-reetings, children. I'm Buzzy Double B! [both Sarah and Jimmy applauded] I'm here to educate–um–you, to the truth of lifezz beginingzz! Care to follow me into my hive? [uses a remote to open the garage door. In the driveway sits a gigantic replica of a bees' nest]
Jimmy: Look, Sarah, a bumblebee hive!
Sarah: This one looks like fun, Jimmy! [They leave the garage for Edd's explanation]
Eddy: Hey, what's with you?!?!
[Edd closes the garage door on Eddy]
Edd: [showing Sarah and Jimmy slides of bees] Catered to by industriouzz worker beezz, a queen honeybee is capable of laying zzeveral thousand eggzz a minute. [changes slides]
Jimmy: Gross!
Ed: Cock-a-doodle doo! [dressed as a stork, bursts through the hive's roof and crash-lands on Edd's projector] Captain Stork reporting for duty, kids! [marches to the center of the room] No rain, sleet, nor ingrown hairs keep me from delivering my babies! [pulling up his pants to his upper chest]
Eddy: [entering] They're clueless! They don't know where babies come from!
Ed: Storks, Eddy!
[Eddy grabs the plastic beak, pulls it backwards, and sling-shots Ed, who tumbles backwards and crashed into the screen]
Edd: [pulling Ed up] Excuse me, Eddy, but your explanation is just as misguided as Ed's.
Eddy: [fuming] Oh, and like you know where babies come from!
Edd: I most certainly do.
Eddy: Do not!
Edd: Do too!
Ed: Storks, guys!
[Eddy slams Ed's head against the floor. Edd looks at his stinger and decides to use it]
Eddy: Where's your babies now, Captain Stupid Stork?! [Edd prods Eddy in the backside with his stinger. This causes Eddy to leap up in the air. He lands on a loose board, and the board acts as a teeter-totter, making Ed prod Eddy in the rear with his beak] Why you! [he's about to attack Ed when Edd prods him again. The same reaction as happened before happens again. Eddy runs out of the tent. Seconds later he appears, wearing a helmet, a tied-up pillow covering his butt, and carrying a broom] BANZAI!
Edd: Run, Ed!
[Eddy chases them around the display, slamming his broom onto the floor behind them]
Eddy: C'mere, you!
Ed: Eddy's mad, Double D!
Edd: I'm well aware of that, Ed!
Sarah: Boring! [hops down while the Eds continue to chase each other] C'mon, Jimmy, let's make some mud pies. [leads Jimmy out]
Jimmy: I love playing in the mud, Sarah!
[The Eds fight until the tent collapses. Eddy pops his head out and sees Sarah and Jimmy leaving]
Eddy: Where's my fifty cents? [Edd coughs and crawls out from under the tent] Oh, way to go, Sockhead. You scared em off with all your stupid science mumbo-jumbo. [throws his helmet at Edd]
Edd: Ouch. [rubbing his head] And your theory kept them entertained?
Ed: [patting Edd] There there, Double D, it is not your fault that you are so useless. If I may re-irritate: Babies come from storks.
Edd: [standing up, frustrated with Ed's continuing belief in his theory] THINK, ED! A child is far too heavy a load for a bird to carry!
Ed: Says you.
[To prove his point, Ed walks over to Eddy. He tilts Eddy's head forward and grabs the scruff of Eddy's neck with his teeth. He then flaps his wings while running forward]
Eddy: What? Hey, put me down, you lunkhead! [Ed takes off into the air. Edd watches, amazed, as Ed flies Eddy over to his chimney] Double D! Do something!
Ed: [mouth full] Babies are born as thus. [drops Eddy down the chimney. Eddy hits the ground and begins to cry] See, Double D? Screaming like a baby! Boy, it sure does stink when I'm right.
Edd: [dazed and wondrous, he pulls up a chair and sits down] Ed? How did you do that?
Ed: What, this Double D? [flaps his wings and goes straight up for a second before falling and bouncing off the roof to land on the ground. He lies there, face in the grass] Yep. The head's still on, Double D.
Eddy: [pained from inside the house] ED!!!!

No Speak da Ed [5.4b]

[The bell rings in the cafeteria, and the kids come in for lunch. The Kankers are the first to come in and sit, and they are about to begin eating when suddenly their chairs are lifted, one by one, into the air, and then set down again. The source of this mysterious levitation is Ed, who is wearing a jar on his head and collecting used gum. At the end of a table sits Edd, who is under a sign advertising moon rocks, dressed as an astronaut and painting the gum blue]
Ed: SPACE CADET ED HAS RETURNED!
Edd: [painting his delivery] Clutching at the proverbial straw, wouldn't you say?
Eddy: Keep painting, Rembrandt, and leave the moolah making to me. [bounces over to Kevin and Nazz's table] It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, Kev. Moon rocks! All the way from space!
Kevin: [about to reply, but his chair is suddenly lifted] Hey, what the–put me down, ya–
[Ed dumps Kevin on the floor and scrapes the gum off the bottom of Kevin's chair with a magazine]
Ed: Space Cadet Ed returning to base, Double D.
Kevin: [to Eddy] Get away from me, Space Dork, or I'll shove these moon rocks right up your–
[Kevin is interrupted by a bugle. The doors open, and the Urban Rangers walk in]
Rolf: Hail hail! The Urban Rangers bring tidings from across the great masses of water!
Eddy: [grumpy] What are they doing here?
Edd: Delivering mail from our pen pals, Eddy. Remember? Our assignment from International Studies. Why, I can hardly contain myself awaiting a reply from my new Norwegian friend Gerta.
Rolf: For you, buckethead Ed-boy. [hands over a letter] And for yappity-yap Ed-boy. [Edd's letter] And, the nobody-home Ed-boy. [Ed gets a package] Rolf must deliver this correspondence to all if Rolf is to keep the Bootlicker of the Faculty badge.
Edd: [reading the letter] "Dear Mr. Eddward, your village sounds very good. I stretch my ears to learn more." Isn't her command of the English language adorable?
Eddy: [showing Edd a photo] Check out the head on this guy! [reading the letter] "My name is Hyuck, and I am from Korea." Is he screaming to get leeched or what!
[A wooden board lands on Edd and Eddy. Ed has opened his package]
Ed: My friend sent me a lunchbox, guys! [turns a key in the side of the box. The box rattles and pops open. A diorama of a wolf chasing a sheep appears as music plays]
Edd: How quaint! An Old World music box!
Eddy: Your pen pal's trying to kill you, Ed. Turn it off!
[Rolf is shelving mail when he hears the music. His eyes go wide and he begins to sweat]
Ed: [dancing with Eddy] I'm skipping to my Lou, Eddy. Giddyup!
Rolf: [calmly] Pardon Rolf, tomfool Ed-boy. Where did you acquire this music-making doohickey?
Ed: Aw, my pen pal sent it to me, Rolf. Coolarooney, huh?
Rolf: [calmly picks up and closes the music box. He then throws it to the ground, breaking it, in anger] A dog has raised its hind leg on the age of nevermore! Heed Rolf, do not get involved, ill-advised Ed-boy. Lest your pomegranates shrivel in the cold of the dark sea! [backs out of the lunchroom. His Rangers, carrying the bags of mail, follow him]
Eddy: [laughing] Good one, Lumpy! Whatever you did to Rolf saved me the trouble of smashing that stupid Old World lunchbox of yours.
Ed: Lucky for me I carry a spare, Eddy. Yum! [pulls out a dripping bag. The bag splits, and Ed's lunch melts through the floor]
Edd: [sweeping up the wreck] Goodness gracious, the nerve of Rolf! Violating Ed's cultural keepsake. Why, I've got a good mind to report him to the office!
Eddy: Later! Right now, we're gonna sell my chump some moon rocks! We're gonna cash in on this pen pal thing if it kills ya!
[Eddy sneaks past the office to the drop box for international mail]
Eddy: All across the world, there's pigeons ripe for the plucking! And we're holding the tweezers, boys. [stuffs an envelope with the gum]
Edd: Eddy, the aim of the project is to share cultural understanding, not extort it. [Ed licks the envelope] Observe, if you will. [Eddy puts the envelope in the mailbox. Edd pulls out a gigantic book from his bag] I've prepared an in-depth essay for Gerta to help her comprehend our beloved Peach Creek way of life.
Eddy: [slams the book on Edd's face] Snoresville! [laughs]
Jimmy: [approaches with the mailbag] Me again! [pulls out a package. Eddy holds his hands out, but Jimmy gives the package to Ed] Somebody loves you, Ed! You big lug! [runs off]
Ed: [opening his mail] More mail from my pen pal, guys! Back and forth, back and forth. [pulls out a wolf pelt] Look what I got! A wolf towel!
Edd: That's a pelt, Ed. You sure are fortunate to have a pen pal so willing to share their heritage with you.
[Ed puts the pelt on his head]
Eddy: (annoyed) What makes you so special?
Ed: [proudly] I eat cereal, Eddy.
[The final bell rings, and the kids scurry out of classes in the mad dash to get to their lockers, grab their books, and get home]
Marie: Last one home's a rotten egg!
Ed: [wearing the pelt] Ribbit ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit? [scratches himself like a dog]
(The kids start to close their lockers and drift outside. Rolf is the last in line)
Ed: [howling] Hawoooo! How how howwwwoool!
[The howl triggers a memory in Rolf. He was a young boy, carrying a sheep. He was in the Old Country, and it was just after dark. He was scared. Young Rolf carried the sheep to pasture, but the sheep baaed. Rolf covered its mouth, but he heard the gnashing of teeth and the crackling of twigs. Rolf took off running. Behind him, footfalls came, closer with each step. Rolf looked behind him and tripped over a tree root. He dropped the sheep, and a man wearing a wolf pelt mask grabbed it. The sheep rustler held the sheep up, howling at the moon. Suddenly, Rolf leaped at the much larger man, tearing the wolf pelt off the rustler]
Young Rolf: Not again! [hit the rustler with his shepherd's rod, shouting angry gibberish]
[In the real world, Rolf is hitting Ed over the head with his shepherd's rod]
Rolf: Never again shall you torment Rolf's livestock! [angrily storms out of the school] Rolf will have his revenge!
[Ed falls to the floor, hurt. Eddy laughs while Edd goes over to comfort him]
Edd: Dear Ed, are you all right?
Ed: [sad] Rolf hit me with an umbrella, Double D!
Edd: [hugging Ed] Oh, there there, Ed. I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for Rolf's irrational behavior.
Eddy: So what'd you do this time, Ed? Put on his grandma's pantaloons again?
Jonny: [blows the Urban Ranger bugle into Eddy's ear] Ranger Plank's got a letter for Eddy!
Plank:
Eddy: For me? It's from Korea!
Jonny: [walking away] Nice delivery, buddy!
Eddy: [tears open the letter. A shower of paper bills and metal coins pour out. Hyuck has paid up] I'M RICH!!!! Stinkin', filthy rich!!!! The sucker coughed up! I'm uptown, baby! Jawbreakers, here I come! Woohoo! We're in the money! YEAH!!! [leaves]
Edd: [picks up one of the stray bills and looks at it. It is Korean money] Oh, dear." [calling after Eddy] This is foreign currency, Eddy! Virtually worthless in its present state!
[Ed is sniffing around the base of a gumball machine outside the candy store. Angry gibberish is heard inside and the door opens, and Eddy comes flying out]
Eddy: Aw, come on! It's gotta be worth something! [enters the store again, only to be instantly sent flying out again. His money comes out as well, scattered along the street]
Edd: You see? I told you it was worthless. Just for once, can't you just listen to me? Honestly.
[A crowing sound is heard and a chicken is thrown out of a bush, and Ed stops listening. He walks towards the chicken]
Ed: Hug a chicken, hug a chicken, hug a chick–
[An arm reaches out of the bush and grabs Ed. The bush begins moving, rushing down the lane dragging a screaming Ed with it. Edd and Eddy give chase]
Edd: Hurry, Eddy! Someone's absconded with Ed! [Ed is pulled under a fence into Rolf's yard] Ed?
Eddy: Hey, Monobrow!
Edd: [notices a dripping tap and turns it off] Waste not, want not!
[Suddenly, the faucet begins to rattle. It flips apart, and the ground beneath Edd and Eddy gives way. They fall onto a vast flight of stairs and bounce down them into the bowels of the earth]
[Edd and Eddy reach the end of the stairs and fall through a door. They are in a vast underground cavern. Ed is there, in a cage. Rolf is on the other end, on a throne. Around the throne are a flock of sheep; one of them is next to the throne. Edd and Eddy are in a gallery by the entrance]
Rolf: [to a caged Ed] Quake and quiver like a jellyfish, doggie doo-doo Ed-boy, for in the name of the great shepherd elders, Rolf will grill your strudel until you cry like a teensy-weensy baby!
Ed: Slow down there, chief! Strudel gives me gas. How bout one large pepperoni, no mushrooms, double pickles?
Eddy: Lemme go halfers with you on it, Lumpy!
Edd: Um, what I think Ed is trying to say is–[climbs down to the floor]–whatever it is that's bothering you, why I'm sure we can work it out.
Rolf: Silence! [the fires by his throne shoot up to punctuate his message. This causes Edd to let go of the ladder, falling to the ground] Rolf sees through this squashed peanut paste on white bread masquerade! Who knows? Rolf knows! The chinless Ed-boy is in league with Rolf's sworn enemy! [throws the wolf figure from the music box at Ed]
Edd: [picking it up] Oh, dear! It appears Ed's pen pal's gifts have somehow provoked Rolf, and reawakened a long-forgotten blood feud!
Eddy: [mocking] Oh, boo-hoo. What's Wolfgang McHairyback gonna do, stick eels down our pants again?
[Now furious, Rolf descends the steps to his throne. Edd watches worriedly as Eddy and Ed laugh stupidly. Rolf grabs Eddy, stopping his laughter. He yanks Ed from his cage. He then grabs Edd]
Edd: H-h-have mercy, Rolf!
[It becomes night and then day again as Rolf tortures them from inside the shed]
Rolf: Talk, Ed-boy!
Ed: Hi, Rolf!
Rolf: [a little tired] Talk, I say!
Ed: Hi, Rolf!
Rolf: [weary] Talk, you son of a gun.
Ed: Hi, Rolf!
Rolf: [exhausted] Please...talk?
Ed: Hi, Rolf!
[Inside the shed, Ed is being dunked in oatmeal by Rolf's cow, Beatrice]
Rolf: [slumped over] The Ed-boy's fortitude is to be admired.
Ed: Hi, Rolf!
Edd: [tiredly] For heaven's sake, Rolf! This was all a great misunderstanding!
Eddy: Yeah! How was we to know you were such a lily-livered gutless doormat!?!
[Rolf turns to them angrily. Jonny then blows the bugle and enters. Taking in the scene in the shed, he stops playing and grins sheepishly]
Jonny: [nervous] Paging Double D. Mail for ya.
Edd: Thank you, Ranger Jonny.
Jonny: Don't mention it, Double D. [Rolf throws Jonny out and turns back to the Eds]
Edd: [opening the envelope] It must be a reply from my Norwegian pen pal Gerta.
Rolf: [confused] Gerta? Norwegian? The goat milker?
Edd: This is odd. [pulls out a feather duster] A feather duster? I'm sure I informed Gerta of Mother's allergy to feathers.
Rolf: [grabs the feather duster, happily] Ah ho! The Feather Duster of Tomfoolery! [falls to the ground and laughs crazily]
Eddy: Hey, what's with you?!
Rolf: Are you so simple, head-and-neck-as-one Ed-boy? Gerta the Goatmilker is famous for her jovial jests! It was she that sent the wolf parcels to the doo-doo Ed-boy! She has made a merry Andrew of us all, yes?
Ed: What?
Rolf: [snaps his fingers, and Beatrice drops Ed] Come! We must rebut while the turnips are still hard!
[Rolf hauls a heavy suitcase to the mailbox. He opens it and looks inside. The Eds are crammed into it]
Rolf: Okey dokey, Ed-boys. Once you see Gerta, shave the hairs from her legs, yes? [places a razor and a small bowl of shaving cream in the suitcase] And Rolf will triumph with the last laugh!
Edd: Rolf, please, reconsid–[Rolf slams the suitcase shut]
Eddy: Rolf, wait! [Rolf puts the suitcase in the mailbox and walks off with a grin] I got some Korean cash! Take it! It's yours!
Edd: I can't fly to Norway! I have class in the morning!
Ed: Um, guys? I have to go to the bathroom.
Edd and Eddy: [freaking out] NOOOOO!!!!

Cool Hand Ed [5.5a]

[Edd has refused to partake in Eddy's plan of breaking out of school]
Eddy: Oh yes you do, or Ed here will write your locker combination on the girls' bathroom wall.
Edd: You wouldn't dare!
[Ed then sharpens a pencil using his mouth]

Too Smart For His Own Ed [5.5b]

Edd: [looking in horror as Eddy tears up a book] What are you doing to that poor defenseless dictionary?!
Eddy: Ed's cramming for the spelling bee! [continues to stuff pages in Ed's ears] Feeling smarter, Ed?
Ed: [cheerfully spewing out loose sheets as he speaks] What?

Who's Minding the Ed? [5.6a]

[Ed and Eddy stare through a hole in a fence while Edd watches despondently. Edd and Eddy are dressed like aviators, while Ed is in a superhero outfit. Jonny approaches them]
Jonny: [excited] Wow! Are you guys busboys or something?
Eddy: [grabs Jonny and makes him look through the hole while faking fear] Jonny, quick! Oh, look! Kevin's being attacked by a rabid rake!
[Eddy watches Jonny expectantly. All Kevin is doing is raking leaves peacefully in his yard]
Jonny: Holy mackerel, Plank! Kevin's in trouble! [to Kevin] Watch out for those teeth!
[Jonny leaps over the fence to Kevin, kicks Kevin away from the rake, and begins to attack the rake]
Kevin: [disgusted] Unbelievable. [walks towards the fighting Jonny]
Jonny: [off-screen] Grab his teeth, Plank!
Eddy: [leaping over the fence] Geronimo! [landed on the pile of leaves]
[Ed grabs Edd and drags him into the fray. Ed and Eddy play in the leaves until Kevin comes back, at which point they run off]
Ed and Eddy: [gleefully] RUN AWAY!
Kevin: [shaking his fist at them] I'm onta ya, dorks! Try that again, and I'll pound ya!
Edd: [rises from the leaf pile in a daze] Oh, for goodness–[noticing Kevin and flees] My apologies once again, Kevin!
Jonny: [dives on Kevin while in a panic mode] We'll save ya, Kev!
[A fearful Edd runs down the street past the lane. Suddenly, he backtracks, hearing his friends laughter. He finds them hiding behind a dumpster]
Edd: [lecturing] Are we quite pleased with ourselves, gentlemen? I'm sure Kevin's patience with this random foliage folly is wearing thin.
Eddy: Kev's a feeb. Let's hit him again, lug nut!
Ed: Hit him again! Hit him again! Hit him again! [Rolf comes up behind him, sweating in odd formalwear] I forgot what I said! [laughs]
[Rolf flicks the back of Ed's head, actually knocking him out. Rolf then picks up Ed, tosses the unfortunate boy into a rickshaw, and carries him off to his house]
[Rolf is demonstrating things to Ed while Edd and Eddy watch]
Rolf: Listen to Rolf carefully, a-brick-shy-of-a-full-load Ed-boy!
Ed: [oblivious] That's me!
Rolf: You must fletch the bovine hooves at three p.m. Not two, three. Wilfred will require refuse. Victor must purge. And watch the chickens, as they do not like to be separated, except for Bridget, who prefers solitude.
Ed: [grabs Bridget and hugs her excitedly] I can do that, Rolf, for I am the best job I can be! Hug a chicken, hug a chicken.
Rolf: [hurrying away] Rolf must go now, or Nana will give Rolf a foot beating like no other!
Ed: Break like the wind, Rolfy!
Eddy: [entering the yard] What's with Rolf Von Stupidclothes?
Ed: Rolf's gotta go to a family reunion, and I, Ed, am responsible for his many furry friends! [cuddles the chicken once again. An egg falls out, and Eddy sarcastically laughs as Ed examines the egg then Bridget]
Eddy: You're kidding, right?
[Ed stuffs his thumb in his mouth and blows. His head inflates, and a flute shoots out of his ear and hits Eddy, wedging on Eddy's nose. Ed picks the flute up and begins to play expertly. The farm animals instantly snap to attention and begin to follow him. He leads them down a winding path to his door. As the animals go, they leave a trail of dirt, mud, and general filth. When Edd looks into Ed's house and sees how dirty the animals have gotten it in five seconds, he gasps. Eddy then pushes him over and looks at the dirt]
Eddy: Okay, Sockhead. This is the part where you have some big-word, smart-guy way for us to get out of these stupid situations. Go for it. [walks off, waiting for Edd to reveal his plan]
Edd: [cleaning himself off] Not this time, Eddy. Ed's given Rolf his word, and as his friends, we have an obligation to support his disconnected decision, and do our part.
[Sarah is in her room, talking to Jimmy on the phone]
Sarah: Don't worry, Jimmy. Just keep it dry, and whatever you do, don't scratch it. [a crash comes from downstairs. Sarah peeks out of her room] I'll call you back. [enters the kitchen and sees that the Eds and the animals have made a huge mess of it] Ed! You better get these animals out of this house, mister, or I'm telling mom!
Ed: No animals here, oh cramped-in-my-rump sister of mine!
Sarah: [ignoring the blatant lie] NOW, STUPID HEAD! [leaves the kitchen. Ed plays his flute again, leading the animals down the basement stairs into his room]
(Edd follows, still cleaning]
Edd: Sarah does have a point, Ed.
Ed: But Double D! [hugs some of the animals] They are so cute and cuddly!
[Edd watches this display of affection with a smile until Eddy enters, a gigantic hole in his shirt]
Eddy: My favorite shirt! Shoot! Throw 'em out, Ed! Who needs 'em?
Ed: [head held high] Inky, dinky, stinky you. [grabs the animals and begins to pretend to be a fireman with them. His ladder catches Eddy, tossing him into the wall. Edd watches worriedly he looks at wilfred who has eddy's clothes on he squeals]
Edd: Ed, hush! For goodness sake, Sarah's going to hear you!
[Eddy is now in his underwear flakes off the wall]
Ed: [running in with a hose] It's a four-sausage fire, Double D! [turns the hose on, spraying water everywhere] Everybody hop aboard the Ed train!
Sarah: [off-screen] Ed!
[Ed stops playing and stands there mutely, hose still on. The room begins to fill with water. Sarah storms down the stairs to Ed's room and throws the door open. When she looks inside, she sees that the room is full of water, and that two of the Eds are floating around inside. Suddenly, the water washes out in a tsunami, washing her to the washing machine and dryer. Sarah climbs on and sits there as some of Ed's debris floats by. Ed floats up to the machines, and a TV settles too as the water drains away. Ed smiles and picks up the TV]
Ed: Just watching TV, Sarah. Nothing going on here–[Sarah jumps on the TV, crushing it onto Ed's head, and walks into his room. Inside, Edd is climbing down from a ladder with a roll of tape. He grins nervously. Eddy, meanwhile, is wringing out his soaked shirt. Ed enters, TV on head] See?
[Sarah turns the TV on to see him. Ed grins nervously]
Sarah: You better watch your step, mister. [stomps off]
Ed: [to his friends] We sure fooled her, huh guys? [removes the TV from his head. As soon as he does so, a chicken falls from the ceiling, tape still on it. The tape on the rest of the animals loses its stickiness, and they fall from the ceiling onto the unfortunate Eddy. Ed once again pulls out his flute and begins to play. The water did one good thing: the animals no longer leave a pile of dirt]
Edd: [to Eddy] Honestly! If this is how you're going to help, I may as well be doing this myself. Messy, messy...[Eddy walks off as he cleans and begins to read a manual] Just look at this filth! Our four-legged guests aren't going to clean up after themselves, you know!
[Eddy looks at Edd, irritated. Suddenly, a cry comes from upstairs]
Ed: [off-screen] SKI PARTY A GO-GO!!!
[The sled comes crashing down the stairs full of animals and runs into the wall opposite them. Ed peeps out of the crush wearing ski goggles, a winter hat, and a gigantic grin]
Ed: Hot cocoa and potato salad! Who's with me?
Sarah: [off-screen] ED!!! [kicks open the basement door. Ed and his animals have vanished; all that remains is the crashed sled. She enters and scanning Ed's empty room] There's something fishy going on here. [enters to hunt for Ed. The camera settles on the bathroom and looks in on Ed's shower. Inside, Ed has gathered his animals and his friends and plunked them down in the tub. Ed shushes them] Ah ha! [throws open the closet door to reveal an immense stash of sandwiches and pizza slices. Sarah begins to root through them, and doesn't notice when the Ed carries the tub past silently]
[Ed carries his bathtub up the stairs and into the family room. He exits]
Ed: Okay, everybody out of the pool! [turns the tub upside down and lets the gathered flesh fall out]
Edd: [crushed beneath a cow] Edward, this charade of lies is in danger of accountability. Perhaps you should consider caring for Rolf's animals elsewhere?
Ed: [excited and oblivious] Hold that think! [runs off]
Eddy: That's it! [extricates himself from the pile] I'm blowing this barn fest.
Edd: [pleading] Eddy, please!
[Eddy heads to the door only for it to be thrown open into his face. He is smashed against the wall as Rolf, his formal clothing in tatters, happily enters]
Rolf: Rolf has returned! [lifts the door to look at Eddy] Hello, he-who-resembles-a-swollen-thumb Ed-boy. [slams the door onto Eddy again] Hello, everyone. Once again, a family fracas has ended the mirth of Rolf's family gathering. [mournfully bows his head. Then perked up Happily] Oh, well. Time to go, yes? [the animals lift themselves up and get into Rolf's pushcart, which then runs over Eddy] Please pass on Rolf's gratitude to the lacking-a-chin Ed-boy! Goodbye. [leaves with his barn animals]
Ed: [suddenly reappearing] Who's up for some hockey? [wearing various pieces of sports equipment] Fore! [giggles and throws himself about with reckless abandon] Where did everybody go?
Edd: Uh...
Ed: Oh, I get it. Hide and seek. Okay, ready or not, here I come! [Edd watches mournfully as Ed looks for the animals] Hello? Okay, furry friends, you win! Come out, come out, wherever you are! [stands in the middle of the room with a grin on his face]
Edd: [putting a comforting hand on Ed's shoulder] Um, excuse me, Ed. But it seems Rolf returned, um, well, early, and gathered his–
Eddy: [shoves Edd aside] Yeah, he took all his pests and booked it back to his dump.
Ed: [his eyes swell up with tears and breaks into sobs, showering his friends with tears] Say it isn't so! Come back, little ones! I miss my furry friends, guys!
Eddy: [grouchy] Ah, you're better off without 'em, blubberpuss.
Ed: [still crying] Don't talk to me.
Edd: Eddy, can't you see Ed has developed a bond of friendship with Rolf's creatures? [Ed is staring at photos of good times with the animals] We owe it to help him through this difficult time of separation.
Eddy: [exasperated] What, again? How about my difficult time, of having you on my back THROUGH THIS WHOLE SHOW?! [slumps to the ground. Ed wipes away his tears, and Eddy gets an idea. He puts his arm around Edd's shoulders] Hey! I got an idea of a friend who can help old sad sack here.
Edd: [happy to hear it] Do tell, Eddy.
[Ed is in his basement with Eddy. Eddy has Ed on a leash as Ed pants with excitement]
Eddy: Huh? What'd I tell ya, Ed? Is he fuzzy and cuddly or what?
Ed: [excited] Can I keep him, Eddy?
Edd: [sarcastic] Ha ha ha, yes, very good, Eddy. [now seen dressed up as a bunny] I think you've made your point quite clear. Oh, I'll admit, I may have been a tad overbearing today, but not without–[Eddy releases Ed]–good intentions and concern for Ed's state of well–
Ed: [jumps on Edd, sits up and squeezes him] Hug the bunny, hug the bunny! Aw, look, he likes me, Eddy! [begins to roughly rub Edd] Purr like a bunny, purr like a bunny, purr like a bunny.
Edd: [agitated] Rabbits don't purr, Ed! [sees Eddy leaving] Wait! Don't leave me, Eddy!
Eddy: Not this time, Sockhead! I got an obligation. [walks off, and Ed hauls Edd back in to play with. Eddy comes back with a stand advertising "Pet the Bunnie"] Pet the bunny! Only twenty-five cents!
Edd: [pained] Eddy!

Pick an Ed [5.6b]

Edd: Have you ever had one of those days, Ed?
Ed: Every day of my life, Double D.

Truth or Ed [5.7a]

Ed: This Bubble Bathbel is a smart guy!
Eddy: It's Bobby Blabby, idiot!
Ed: You drop your loot, Bibby Boo-boo!
Eddy: IT'S BOBBY BLABBY! GET IT RIGHT! [Ed crash into a wall, then turn around to the kids] Oops!

This Won't Hurt An Ed [5.7b]

[Ed has brought Eddy over to the medical room for an injection]
Eddy: Hey! Let me go!! Untie me!
Ed: I found him the science cupboard pretending to be a stuffed beaver, Double-D!
Edd: The nurse thanks you, Eddy.
Eddy: Oh Yeah?! What for?
Edd: For helping Kevin conquer his fear of needles by allowing him to witness the safe and easy administration of a real booster shot.
Eddy: (sees the nurse getting the needle ready, and soon has the fear of them himself] Oh no you don't! Not me!
[Eddy tries to run away, only to be caught by Ed]
Ed: Worry not, little man. Because you get to have a lollypop after.
Eddy: Mommy.
[Ed drags Eddy into the medical room]
Kevin: Sweet.
Eddy [whilst hesitantly getting his arm out for the nurse]: But...No! Don't do it! I'm too young!
Ed: Needle! [runs out of the medical room, but comes back to pick up his lollypop]
Eddy: I hate Needles!
[Kevin is heard laughing whilst Ed walks off with his lollypop in his mouth]

Tinker Ed [5.8a]

[Plank is leaning against a bookshelf in the library, reading a book entitled "Mind Control: A Prepubescents Guide." Jonny is next to him on a beanbag, looking dazed and stupid. In front of them sit Rolf and Kevin, doing their homework. Sarah's voice wafts over]
Sarah: "The little fairy, so little was she, her boat fit snugly inside a pea."
Jimmy: Inside a pea? Dreamy!
Sarah: "She sailed to the fairy kingdom in the clouds, past the diamond stairwell through a garden of doves."
Kevin: [writing] "Garden...of...doves." [does a double-take, realizing he screwed up his homework]
Jimmy: [pointing out the window] Oh look, Sarah! I think I see her boat!
Kevin: Pipe down! If I don't finish this stupid geography essay, I'm off the team, man!
Sarah: [ignoring him] Eeh. [loudly] "She turned and waved Mindy the Mermaid goodbye! Fluttered her wings and flew into the sky!"
Sarah and Jimmy: [loudly] "Little am I, but I sure can fly! Try to keep up with me, try try try!"
[Jimmy runs around. He jumps on Kevin's table, scattering the homework, then runs around the library]
Jimmy: I'm flying! Whee! [a geography textbook hits him on the back of the head]
Kevin: [retrieving his text] Grow up, squirt. All that fairy tale stuff's a load of baloney.
Jimmy: Fairy tales are not a load of baloney! They're real, golly gosh! You'll see! You'll see!
[Rolf suspiciously looks at his pack. He picks it up, and a container of sliced bologna falls out. He puts the meat back in and looks around]
Rolf: [to himself] How is it that the others know of Rolf's load of bologna? [looks around suspiciously]
[The school bell rings. Eddy runs down a street, Ed's pants in his hands, laughing. On the other side, Ed follows, laughing as he plows through a pile of leaves. Edd, blushing, brings up the rear]
Edd: Ed? Eddy? [a pair of hands reach out from a bush and pull him in]
Eddy: [laughing] Did you see the look on Nazz's face, Double D?! I thought she was gonna throw up!
Edd: [as Ed puts his pants back on] Silly me. And here I thought we were beyond depantsing Ed in front of the cheerleaders.
Eddy: You loved it, admit it.
[Edd falls out of the bush. He looks around and sees Jimmy, sitting on a rug on the grass]
Jimmy: Wait and see, Mr. Yum Yum. When my magic carpet flies, like this book says it can, Kevin will know once and for all that fairy tales do exist. Oh, you might need this. [gives the toy a barf bag] I'll fly right through his window.
Eddy: [shaking the carpet in the air] HEY, ALI BABA! LOOK OUT! IT'S FLYING! ALL MAGIC LIKE! WATCH OUT! [drops the carpet]
Ed: Awwwwww...[picks up Jimmy] Don't count your beans before they hatch, little fella. [puts Jimmy's turban back on and walks away, signaling to Edd that Jimmy is crazy]
Jimmy: [tearing up] Oh, Ed! Not you too! [cries as his tears fall on a picture, and the cheap ink melts off the page] Fairy tales do exist! Pixies, mermaids, and unicorns are real! WAAAHHH!
Eddy: [gently pushes the book away, feign sympathetic] Hey, buddy. It's all right. Turn that frown upside down. What's Kev know? Just so happens, I saw a unicorn in the woods this very morning, Jimmy, my boy.
Jimmy: [excited] You did, Eddy? Really?
Eddy: Whaddya say you and me go see it?
Jimmy: Ooh, ooh! [nods]
Edd: Yes, of course! That's a splendid idea, Eddy! That would certainly make Jimmy–I mean, Kevin, see the truth in fairy tales.
[Edd and Eddy smile, and Jimmy hugs them]
Jimmy: [softly] Thank you, Eddy.
Eddy: No problemo, curlicue.
Ed: Don't forget me, kids. [squeezes into the hug]
Eddy: Why don't you meet me in the woods in an hour?
Jimmy: With bells on my toes! [scurries off]
Edd: Eddy, that was a very, very sweet thing to do for young Jimmy. I'm so proud of you!
Eddy: That's just the kind of guy I am, Double D. I'm all heart. Right, Ed?
Ed: Beans, beans, they're good for your heart, the more you eat the more–
Eddy: Shut up, Ed! [drags Ed away]
[Rolf is dragging his sack of bologna down the street when Kevin pulls up next to him]
Kevin: Hey Rolf, what's in the bag? Lot of homework tonight, huh.
Rolf: [nervous] Yes, homework. Rolf has much–homework. Certainly not a load of baloney, no no. [Kevin looks at him silently] We have finished talking, goodbye! [leaves]
[Eddy, using a hockey stick as a machete, leads Jimmy through the woods. Jimmy follows nervously. Suddenly he trips]
Eddy: Look out for those gold-dusted unicorn hoofprints!
[Jimmy has indeed tripped over marks left behind by horseshoes]
Jimmy: [following the trail] Be still, my beating heart! Am I schvitzing? I AM! I AM, EDDY!
Eddy: [stops Jimmy with his hockey stick] Quiet, you'll scare it.
[Jimmy looks at a hill. Over the rise comes the figure of a majestic unicorn]
Jimmy: [excited] Fairy tales are true! [begins to run toward it]
Eddy: [stopping Jimmy] Hold up! I could've sworn I had some rare unicorn food around here somewhere. Oh looky! A magical unicorn cracker! [holds it up]
Jimmy: Ooh!
Eddy: Only a quarter. [Jimmy pays] Feed the unicorn, Jimmy!
[Jimmy rushes up to the unicorn. Up close, it is obvious that the unicorn was a fake; in fact, the rainbow and mushrooms around it are poorly made props. Jimmy doesn't notice, though; he climbs on the unicorn's back and hugs it]
Eddy: [trying to pull Jimmy off] Hey hey hey! Relax there, slugger!
Jimmy: But I haven't fed him yet!
Eddy: Hugging costs extra!
[The seams on the unicorn's neck give, and Jimmy falls onto Eddy. The head comes off and lands in front of Jimmy]
Jimmy: AAAAAHHH!!! [looks at the unicorn. Ed's head is poking out of its neck. As he watches, the tail gets ripped off, and Edd pops out]
Edd: Gracious, Ed! You could have at least left your shoes on! [spots Jimmy]
Jimmy: AAAAAHHH!!! Kevin was right! Fairy tales aren't true! [walks out of the scam, crying despondently] It's all a lie. A lie. All of it.
Eddy: IT AIN'T MY FAULT THAT FAIRY TALE STUFF'S A LOAD OF BALONEY!!!!!
[Eddy's yell echoes through the woods. Rolf, who is carrying his pack through the semi-wilderness, stops]
Rolf: [nervous] Everyone is after Rolf's load of baloney! [drops the pack] YOU SHALL NOT HAVE IT! [begins to devour the meat] It is Rolf's alone!
[Sarah is making faces in a mirror. The doorbell rings, and she gladly rushes down to open it]
Sarah: [smile disappearing] Jimmy? Is that you?
[Edd is walking down the lane sadly. In front of him walk Ed, with Eddy perched on his head]
Eddy: C'mon, Double D! Candy store's a-waitin'!
Ed: And it's waiting a lot! [quickly] Big butt.
Eddy: Huh? What's that supposed to mean? I ate a big breakfast. So what?
Edd: [gazes at the quarter, remorseful] Found in shame! Gorged in guilt! Oh, I will not sleep this, nor any other night, knowing I had a hand in ruining Jimmy's innocent enchantment of fairy tales! [they walk by a broken fence]
Eddy: Ah, he'll get over it. Kinda reminds me of the day my brother told me cartoons weren't real.
Ed: [shocked] Say it isn't so, Eddy!
Eddy: Yep, growing up sure stinks. [rounds the corner and a fist punches him into a dumpster]
Ed: Sarah, guys.
Sarah: [pushing Ed back] Jimmy's a zombie because of your stupid unicorn trick!
Ed: [excited] A zombie? Ed must touch zombie!
Sarah: [pulls Eddy out and slams him into Ed's back repeatedly, making Eddy shout painful in gibberish] You better fix him–[slam]–before sundown, or you're–[slam]–dog meat! [ties Eddy to Ed, points to Edd] GOT IT?!
Edd: Sarah, I assure you that my only wish to make things right!
Eddy: No it isn't! [Sarah kicks Eddy over, and Ed topples onto him, strangled] I meant yes, yes we will! Make it. Where is the little guy? I miss him so.
[Fades to black]
[Jimmy is sitting on a pile of leaves. A dark cloud hangs over his head. Suddenly, Eddy is thrown onto the playground, a rope tied around him. He is dressed like a fairy]
Eddy: [falsetto] Hi, little fellAAAAAAAAAAA! [is swooped away]
[Ed is having trouble controlling the rope that lets Eddy fly with the fishing pole]
Edd: Concentrate, Ed! Fairies are supposed to float daintily!
Eddy: ED!!!
Edd: Not flounder haphazardly.
[Eddy swings into a wire fence, which sends him crashing to the ground in front of Jimmy]
Eddy: [muttering] Why, you dirty–[falsetto] I'm the littlest fairy! Ting! With a spell to cheer you up all bright and merry!
Jimmy: [grumpy] You don't exist!
Eddy: [normally] And?
[Jimmy gets up and walks away]
Ed: It's not working, Double D! Jimmy's cloud won't go away! [Edd is no longer there] Double D?
Edd: [approaching Jimmy, dressed as a mermaid] A tide of joy comes your way. [presses a button on a boom box to play ocean music] I'm Alanis, mermaid of the sea. A mythological goddess to help guide you through–
Jimmy: [turned of the music] You're not real! [storms away]
Ed: [as a gnome] Here I go. [stands in front of Jimmy] Yucca yucca yucca. I'm Nug the gnome, and I–[peers at Jimmy] And I tickle the feet of sad little–
Jimmy: [shoving Ed away] Go away, charlatan! [Ed, stumbling backwards, trips over something sticking out of the ground. Jimmy picks it up; it is a golden horseshoe. He dusts it off on his shirt] What irony is this? A horseshoe made of pure gold?
Eddy: [excited] Gold, you say?
Jimmy: [staring coldly at the gold horseshoe] As gold as the toes of my once-beloved unicorn creature! But fairies and unicorns no longer exist to me! Nothing but torrid lies! This 24-carat shoe is nothing but a reminder of my gullible youth!
Eddy: T-tell you what! If it's wearing you out so much, I'll give you a quarter for it! [hands Jimmy a quarter and runs back to Edd, ecstatic] Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rolling in dough! I can retire now! Look! It's mine!
[The storm cloud over Jimmy's head abruptly disappears. It seems Jimmy has tricked Eddy, and he smiles]
Edd: [peering at the shoe] Perhaps you may want to have a closer look, Eddy.
Eddy: What?
Edd: [turning it over] I'm afraid this is nothing more than a plastic dental retainer painted with gold nail polish.
[The smile slowly drops from Eddy's face]
Ed: Horses don't have teeths on their feet, Double D. [Jimmy giggles] Jimmy's happy again.
Edd: [surprised] Indeed.
Eddy: [advancing on Jimmy menacingly] What?! You backstabbing little weasel! Gimme back my quarter! [has come to stand on an X marked with tape] What's the X for?
[Sarah peeks out from behind a tree and takes a photo]
Sarah: Got the fairy creatures' proof, Jimmy! [tosses it to Kevin, who was hiding behind another tree]
Kevin: Whoa! Say, Fluffy, you sure made a believer out of me, dude! I better go spread this with the others at school. They'll sure want to see this! [bikes off, ready to completely humiliate the Eds]
Eddy: [desperate] No wait! Kev! Come back! [stops chasing Kevin. Sarah and Jimmy run out of the park, giggling happily]
Edd: [amazed] They were all part of an ingenious elaborate hoax.
Eddy: [unintentionally self-referential] All that for a stupid quarter! How desperate can you get? [now the dark cloud appears over Eddy's head]
Edd: [taking off the wig] Well, best prepare our fairy tale for school tomorrow. It's gonna take a lot of explaining to get out of this plot hole.
Eddy: [throws the plastic crown on the ground in anger] What a load of baloney!
[Rolf is in the woods, stomach swollen and body sated. Meat juice lies behind him, but the meat is gone]
Nazz: Rolf? Are you okay? You don't look so good.
Rolf: Too late, vultures. Rolf has taken care of his load of bologna! [slaps his stomach] FOR GOOD!!! [burps, and Nazz, disgusted, leaves]
Jonny: Rolf's a hoot, huh Plank?
Rolf: [stomach aching] Mama. A purging for Rolf. I beg you!

The Good, The Bad and The Ed [5.8b]

[Around the cul-de-sac, fall is in full bloom, and the kids are doing their chores and cleaning up the fallen leaves. Suddenly, a poorly played bugle is heard, and the Urban Rangers march to the center of the cul-de-sac. Rolf begins to speak]
Rolf: Rangers! Halt! [a table is set down] The Urban Rangers will now entice you with their discipline and derring-do.
[The Urban Rangers proceed to rake and bag the leaves, wash the windows, and clean the gutters in one fell swoop. The kids, with the exception of Eddy, cheer this miraculous feat]
Ed: Are they fancy or what?
Eddy: [blowing a raspberry] Urban Losers.
[The Rangers get behind their sign-up booth]
Rolf: Potential petitioners of the cul-de-sac. As you have seen, you too can ease the burden of daily chores. [the Rangers unfold a giant placard reading "Join the Urban Rangers"] Come join the Urban Rangers and become the master of the mundane! The duke of duties! Earn badges! Impress your relatives!
Edd: You do have to admire their efforts in educating the community, Eddy.
[Eddy marches up to the desk. Rolf holds out a pen. Eddy takes another route: he tears the brochure into tiny strips and leaves the crumbled remains behind. Satisfied, he walks away]
Rolf: Ah, Rolf sees the Urban Rangers are far too demanding for one whose head resembles a side table to a couch. [sets a doily and a cup of tea on Eddy's head, and the kids, except for Edd, laugh. Ed dunks a piece of toast in the tea]
Eddy: [inflamed] OKAY, TOUGH GUY!!! HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU ON FOR THE HARDEST BADGE YOU GOT?! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!
Jimmy: [shocked] Holy mackerel! Is he talking about the–the–
Rolf: [fear in his eyes] The Hairy Chest of Resilience badge?
[The Urban Rangers gasp]
Jonny: Nobody's earned that badge in over 50 years!
Rolf: This badge has trampled the eggplants of many a brave hopeful who have tried to obtain it!
Eddy: [irreverent] Bawk! I smell a chicken!
Ed: [excited] A chicken, Eddy?!
Eddy: Yep! A big urban free-range–er chicken! [to Rolf] I got a badge for you, mister chicken! How about the 'Go Home and Lay an Egg' badge?! [laughs]
Rolf: [angered] ENOUGH!!! Your mockery of the domestic fowl insults Rolf! You know not where you tread, Ed-boy. Urban Rangers! [stalks away. Jonny and Jimmy haul out a huge book]
Ed: [putting Eddy on his head] Follow the chicken! Follow the chicken! Follow the chicken!
Edd: [nervous] Eddy, according to my calculations, taking into consideration mass versus height versus the scope of coverage in sheer body hair, Rolf surpasses you in every category, Eddy! [holds up the sheet of statistics, clearly showing Rolf is too skilled to go up against]
Eddy: [throws the sheet away] Oh, yeah?! Well, who cares! I'll show these Urban Dweebs once and for all!
[A flag is raised over the construction site. This is not the usual Urban Rangers flag; this one is red and white and features a picture of a muscled torso. The kids sit on a stack of woods, ready to enjoy the show]
Jimmy: Hear ye, hear ye! You brave men are about to embark on a series of tasks! [flipping the book open] Ordained by the Grand Poobah of the International Urban Rangerhood! Make your way to the Circle of Supremacy! (as he was talking, Jonny had drawn a ring around the competitors)
Kevin: Stinks to be you, huh, flathead!
Jimmy: The contenders must endure without a murmur, a mumble, or a mutter of grief in order to earn the coveted Hairy Chest of Resilience badge. The first task:
Jonny: The Wax of Wailing!
Jimmy: Assistants Ed and Double D: liberally apply the wax to Eddy's leg, adhere the leather strap to the wax, and await my signal.
[Ed and Edd follow the instructions]
Ed: Lucky!
Edd: Still have time to renege, Eddy.
Eddy: It's in the bag.
Jimmy: Are we ready? [looks around, while Eddy shoots him a thumbs-up, and he blows a whistle]
[Jonny rips the strap off, waxing Rolf's hairy leg which shows a lot of hair. Rolf doesn't even react, though his leg does sprout more hair, at swollen pores. The kids look at Eddy, concerned]
Ed: And this little piggy went to market! [rips the strap off. Eddy's leg swells up like a balloon, and his eyes fill with tears, but not a sound is heard]
Rolf: [taunting] Hoo-hoo, he whose mouth is louder than Papa's summer shorts. Are you ready to cry? [he and the other Rangers stalk off to the next trial]
Edd: [hauls out a first-aid kit] Eddy, I sympathize that your past dealings with the Urban Rangers have been less than cordial. But is this really necessary?
Eddy: Eeh. [Ed squirts some water in his face] I'm gonna beat them at their own game, Sockhead! And everyone will see what phonies they are when I'm wearing that dumb badge!
[The contest has moved to inside a house]
Jimmy: Gentlemen! The second task is:
Jonny: The Bumping of the Funny Bone!
Edd: Oh, dear. [ties Eddy to the arm of a chair]
Rolf: Gather your fortitude, Ranger Jonny!
[Jimmy blows the whistle]
Ed: Whack! [turns the chair and slams Eddy's elbow into a file cabinet repeatedly. Eddy's face clearly tells a story of GREAT pain! On the other side of the room, Rolf undergoes the same treatment at Jonny's hands, but he only grimaces a bit]
Rolf: Don't make Rolf come up there, Wood Boy! Faster! Faster I say!
[The turning quickens. Soon enough, the match ends, and Edd rushes in with his first-aid kit]
Edd: For goodness sake, Eddy, concede!
Eddy: Never!
Ed: I gotcha! A massage for Eddy, Double D! [proceeds to roll Eddy out using a rolling pin]
[The competition is now in the woods. The competitors stand in front of brambly, entwined bushes, Rolf sporting a robe]
Jimmy: For the third task, wearing only your birthday suits, you must crawl through:
Jonny: The Bramble Bush of Bellyache!
Eddy: [surprised] Birthday suits?
Ed: Nudge nudge, wink wink! [laughs]
Rolf: ENOUGH!!! [crouches at the starting line] The prickly maiden of the bramble awaits!
[Jimmy blows the whistle, and waves the flag. Rolf takes off, a naked blur. Ed, not to be outdone, takes Eddy and tears his clothes off. Eddy's underwear lands on Edd's face]
Ed: Birthday bomb! [like a bowler, he sends Eddy through the bushes like a bowling ball. Eddy comes out the other side battered and torn]
Eddy: [hopefully] Did I win yet?
Rolf: [fully dressed] Fool. The greatest test must yet be realized. [walks off happily]
Edd: Eddy, this charade of self-validation has gone on long enough. Look at yourself! You can barely stand! Please, Eddy. Throw in the towel. End it. Neither Ed nor I will think any less of you.
Eddy: [injured and dazed] I'll throw in the towel when it's laundry day, Double D. [walks off grumbling, and his two friends follow]
[The kids are now gathered in the park where Rolf and Eddy are tied to a swing set. On either side of them are three giant boulders]
Jimmy: The next task is called:
Jonny: The Pendulum of Protest!
Rolf: As it is said in your country, let her rock!
[Ed starts the contraption, and it goes like clackers for a few rounds. Jimmy blows the whistle]
Jimmy: You both have done well. With this last task, we'll determine who will receive the coveted Hairy Chest of Resilience badge! Gentlemen, I give you–
Jonny: The Tour of Tears!
[A banner waves over the starting line. Rolf and Eddy are on diving boards that jut out from a cliff. Rolf stands tall, ready to take it on. Eddy cowers, holding on to his board. Jimmy whistles a mournful toot. Edd looks on fearfully, and Ed looks on absent-minded as Rolf leaps off the board and grabs massive air before diving towards earth. Eddy, for his part, slowly climbs off his board and falls. They fall into a water tank for a train and land in its path as it goes by. The train pushes them forward. Slowly, they slide off its front and fall under it. The train goes one way, and Eddy and Rolf are detoured along another set of tracks when Jimmy and Jonny change the track. They land on a couch]
Eddy: [hurt] What? Hah! Did I win yet?
Rolf: [ominously] No.
[Jonny and Jimmy untie a rope, and the sofa shoots them away like a slingshot]
Ed: Catch you later, Eddy!
[The competitors soar through the air. On the ground, Ed, Edd, Jonny, and Jimmy hurry to the construction site]
Edd: Oh, my.
[Eddy and Rolf land in the center of the circle, and the earth cracks around them. The kids cheer]
[A horrible sound of feedback is heard against a background of darkness. Slowly, Eddy's eyelids creak open, and he looks up at Ed and Edd]
Ed: Aw. Can I play with him, Double D?
[Eddy is bandaged up on a stretcher]
Edd: Ed, don't touch.
Eddy: Now did I win?
Edd: Well, um, you...passed out. One second before Rolf, Eddy. So Rolf won by default.
Eddy: One lousy second?! [looks across the way, to where Rolf is being celebrated]
Nazz: Wow. Cool badge, Rolf.
Sarah: Let me see!
Kevin: Dude. You ain't wearing that to school, are ya?
Rolf: Do not touch the badge, urchins of processed cheese spread!
[The other Rangers cart Rolf away, while the kids follow to applaud]
Eddy: Urban Bonehead.
Ed: Be sad not, Eddy! You won a badge too!
Eddy: [invigorated] No way!
Edd: Yes, Eddy! The Rangers did award you something for your efforts.
Eddy: Suckers! Where is it, so I can rub it in their faces?
Ed: Here you go! [pins it to Eddy's shirt] The Crybaby Boo-Hoo badge! See? There's a little rattle on it.
Eddy: [enraged] Of all the–Lemme at em!!! I'll–I'll–[falls over and loses his last remaining teeth]
Edd: Oh goodness! Ed, I think Eddy deserves some rest, yes?
Eddy: [crawling] I don't need no stinking rest! I need a big stick! To hit Rolf over the head with!
Ed: [carrying Eddy away] You heard him, Eddy! Rest is best! So be no pest and I'll wear a vest!
Eddy: ONE LOUSY SECOND!!!

Tight End Ed [5.9a]

Edd: [attempting to cheer everyone up at the loss of the game] It's not how you win or lose, it's how you play the game!

'Tween a Rock and an Ed Place [5.9b]

Edd: It's all fun and games 'til Ed loses conciousness, Eddy.

All Eds Are Off [5.10a]

[After leaving the swimming pool, the kids are boarding the school bus, with Kevin and Rolf going first]
Kevin: Aw, man, I think I left it on the bus. I've got gravy in my ear.
Rolf: Predictable.
[Then, the Eds climb aboard]
Eddy: (angry) Great! So I end up with a detention because of YOUR stupid eating habits!
[as Eddy says "YOUR", he shoves his detention note into Ed]
Ed: Is it that time already? Ooh, gravy cakes! Yum. (Pulls some gravy cakes from inside his jacket)
Edd: Excuse me, Ed, but don't you feel this daily diet of gravy may become detrimental to your health?
[Ed stares at Edd happily as the bus starts moving]
Eddy: (angrily) I swear he's obsessed with the stuff! It's stashed here– (Pulls up Ed's shirt, revealing five gravy boats taped to his chest) –Right there- (Pulls off Ed's left shoe and gravy flows out) -I bet you couldn't go a lousy day without your lousy gravy, Ed.
Ed: Says you. (Drinks from a thermos of gravy)
Eddy: (in Ed's ear) SO PROVE IT!
Ed: (clutching his ears) AAAAH! YOUR VOICE IS LIKE TOOTHPICKS IN MY DRUMSTICKS, EDDY!
Edd: I agree, Ed. I've always wished Eddy could communicate in a tone of voice that didn't rattle the timbers of every house in a four-block vicinity.
[Eddy becomes steamed]
Ed: (to the camera) Don't touch that dial, kids.
Eddy: (angry) What about YOU, Mr. Encyclopediac! I bet I could stop yelling way before you could stop using those big fancy-schmancy words of yours.
Jonny: Plank says Double D would go wacky if he only used words with one syllable.
Eddy: Ha! Even the doorstop's got you pegged!
Kevin: Aww, Dork, Dorkk and Dorky are having a little tiff. Ain't it precious? (He and Nazz laugh) What dorks.
Rolf: Always with this duck word, yes Kevin-boy? Rolf would wager his love of mammal flesh and 25 cents that you cannot renounce this label for the mixed-nuts Ed-boys.
Eddy: (interested by the prospect of cash) Twenty-five cents?!
Kevin: (miffed) What? I can give up saying dork just like that. (Snaps his fingers)
[Eddy moves to a seat by Jonny.]
Eddy: Think you could go a whole day without that chunk of termite food telling you what to do?
Jonny: (nervous) Easy-peasy lemon-squeezy, Eddy. Right, Plank?
Eddy: Sounds like we got ourselves a bet. So whaddya say, boys? Ya in or what?
Kevin: I'm in. (Joins hands with Eddy)
Rolf: Rolf will partake. (Puts his hand on top)
Jonny: This is gonna be a hoot! (Ed puts his foot on top)
Ed: No gravy, or bust! (Edd lays a napkin over Ed's foot so he won't dirty his hand)
Edd: Very well, then. I welcome the challenge to my vast resource of the English word.
Kevin: Yo, Nazz, want in on this action?
Nazz: As if.
Edd: Then may the best, ahem, gentleman, win.
[The stack of hands breaks]
[Eddy is trying to goad Edd into losing his bet of not using multi-syllable words]
Eddy: Let's see here...Con-she-enn-shus?....what kinda bunk word is that...? [Edd looks uncomfortable, trying not to correct Eddy] Ohhhh...here's another one...temper-a-mental.....[Edd fidgets] I dunno about you, but that's just plain stupid.
Edd: [losing his cool] STOP!!!!!! [Snatches the dictionary away, holds it protectively] I will not tolerate your singlehanded annihilation of the English language for your own monetary gain, Eddy! [pauses in horror, drops the dictionary, and covers his mouth, realizing he just lost his bet. Eddy just grins, as if it were too easy]

Smile For the Ed [5.10b]

Ed: Don't touch that dial, kids!
Edd: Good Afternoon, Peach Creek Jr. High. This is your principal speaking with a very important announcement. All copies of student Eddy's photographs are to be returned to him immediately. This will leave to comply a well-warned detention for the rest of the semester. Thank You.
Kevin: Bummer.
Eddy: You heard the man.
Edd: Did I just do that? I did, didn't I? I just impersonated the Principal! Made false declarations in his name! Ohhh what have I done?

Run, Ed, Run [5.11a]

Ed [to Eddy]: RUN!!! HIDE!!! RETREAT!!! The sky is falling! The sky is falling, Eddy! It hit me on the head. It did.
Eddy: You're probably just growing a brain there, lumpy.
Edd: We hit the sky?! [the sky cracks] This isn't possible!
[A "piece" of the sky falls]
Eddy: Ed was right, the sky is falling!
Ed: Thank you very much.
Eddy: So, now what do we do?
Edd: I'm afraid we're just about to find out, Eddy.
[Some off the cracks fall along with the Eds to reveal the white noise TV screen]

A Town Called Ed [5.11b]

[The kids are enjoying the monster truck rally on TV]
Kevin: Gear-jamming power in a mudpit! Gotta love it, man!
Rolf: [unimpressed] Rolf's tractor would squash these puny doohickeys like the ticks that cling to Victor's tuchus.
Jonny: Plank's got goosebumps on his splinters!
[The TV suddenly fizzles and spits static. The kids complain. Kevin shrugs and tries changing channels. When this doesn't work, he bangs on the TV. The picture resolves to a fake backdrop of an outdoor fireplace]
Eddy: [off-screen] Go on, get in there!
Edd: [prances onscreen, dressed like a pilgrim] Um...good morrow to thee. I'm about to share with thou fellow villagers the tale of Fort Peach Creek. Let us–begin, shall we?
Sarah: I hate public access!
[Kevin tries unsuccessfully to change the channel]
Edd: A long time ago, Peach Creek was buteth an untamed wilderness of towering trees, torrid waters, and savage beasts!
[The camera shifts to another backdrop. Ed, wearing a moose cap, leaps out from behind a fake bush]
Ed: Cock-a-doodle doo! I am a salvaged moose! Bleaugh! [walks off-screen]
Edd: [takes center stage once more] Oh, regardeth over the horizon, for the hero of our epic tale doth approach!
[Eddy appears, pretending to tow a wagon prop. In reality, Edd is holding up a tiny wagon which, by perspective, looks large behind Eddy]
Eddy: I have come from afar and shall claim this wilderness as our own! [Ed, clueless as usual, stands in front of the camera) Hark ye, o' savage moose, moveth along, or be turned into moose chops! [points a fake blunderbuss at Ed] Hear ye?
[Ed doesn't move, so Eddy flicks his eyes]
Ed: This landeth is your landeth o' great shorteth one. [pats Eddy on the head until his hat covers it and walks away. Eddy pulls it off and Edd gives him a flag]
Eddy: Yes, this land is fulleth of peachy fuzzy fruits, and for this reason I claimeth this place as Fort Peach Creek! [the hill of leaves he is standing on collapses under him, and he flies into a rage, snapping the flag]
Edd: And...there...you'll...haveth...it.
Ed: Cock-a-doodle doo! [he set descends into madness]

A Fistful Of Ed [5.12]

Edd: Sarah? You certainly can't believe-
[Ed blocks Edd's view of Sarah and brandishes a chair at him]
Ed: [tearing up] Stay away! Stay away from my baby sister, you meanie!
Edd: [shocked] Ed! My dear friend! How can you say that?!
[Ed pokes one of the chair legs into Edd's nose]
Ed: We are friends no more! My mom says I can't be chums with a a Punchy McFisticuffs like you!
[Ed's heart wells up in his throat and nearly breaks in half. Edd, equally heartbroken, sinks to his knees. Both boys burst into loud sobbing]
Edd: [having enough of this nonsense] This ends now! [He pulls at the chair in Ed's hand and yanks him off-screen]
Ed: "AAAAH!" [The beatdown begins] Holy schmoly! [Ed leaves his imprint on the ceiling] "Oh, Help me! Uncle! Uncle! [The cafeteria is torn up by the fight.] Run away! [Ed digs his way out and escapes.]
Edd': Come back here, you!
Kevin: Now's our chance!
Sarah: Jimmy get out of there!
[Edd turns around just in time to see the kids exit the lunch room. They are all afraid of him.]
Eddy: Yeah! You better run! 'Cause Double D's got all your numbers! And your addresses! Ooh yeah, I'm pumped baby! [serious] Maybe a little rough on Ed, huh? He is our pal, you know.
[Edd begins to look angry.]
Eddy: [a bit nervous] "Right! You know best, champ! So hey, I'm gonna go make Nazz rub my feet. [He leaves.]
Edd: What have I become? Are these indeed the hands of a lowly thug? [He holds out his shaking arms.]
Edd: Oh, Jimmy, I'm blurred, bewildered, befuddled at this maylay of misinterpretation! First, when my book plunged onto the top of Lee's foot–a fortuitous mishap, I assured them–yet that's the seed of fear. Then Rolf, oh, dear Rolf, in need of a new pencil! His worn, old, unusable! I was only to happy to provide him with one. [flashes back to the scene in the hall]
Flashback Edd: Oh, why of course I do, Rolf.
[Searching for his pencils, he knocks a container of Liquid White onto the floor. Stepping on it, he slips, and his foot slams into Rolf's chin. His tie catches on a hook in his locker, and his foot comes down on Rolf's head. The tie then yanks him back. He snaps forward afterwards, and the pencils in his cup fly forward, pinning Rolf to the locker]
Flashback Rolf: Rolf would have taken a simple 'no, not today,' yes?
Edd: Another regrettable blunder! As would be the one that happened next!
[Edd remembers the cafeteria]
Flashback Marie: That's my pie, I saw it first!
Flashback Jonny: No way, he saw it first!
Edd: Remembering Mother had packed my lunch with a slice of her heavenly apple crumble pie, I thought the best thing to compose this conflict would be to share it. [In the flashback, Edd reaches in and stabs his finger on the fork. His hand leaps out, hitting Jonny. This leads to the destruction seen earlier] Not again! Again, my good intentions were cowed by my gawkish demeanor!
Flashback Ed: Stay away!
Edd: Then came the worst blow of all! My dearest friend lost his hope and faith because of my stumblings! Enough was enough. I could see it was up to me to vindicate myself. So in order to do this, I needed to remove the chair that separated our beloved friendship. [Edd grabs the chair and pulls at it. Ed falls onto him. Ed, panicking, then begins to scream, and runs around, destroying the lunchroom as he runs]
Flashback Ed: Uncle! Uncle!
Edd: [back to the real world] Couldn't they see? How am I to blame? It's so obvious! Is it me? But I'm a pacifist!
Sarah: Jimmy, are you crazy? He's going to turn you into cold cuts!
Jimmy: Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, Sarah!
[Jimmy tries to get to the top of the metal where Eddy is sitting. Edd grabs him by the pants]
Edd: No no no. Have you forgotten our mission here?
Jimmy: Lemme go!
Kevin: Sha! Double Dweeb's gonna pants him!
Edd: Stop it! Right now!
[Edd yanks Jimmy's hands free. Jimmy goes flying backwards and slams into Kevin and Rolf]
Eddy: Way to go, Sockhead!
[Jimmy lies on the ground as Eddy laughs. His face turns red, and steam starts to come out of his ears]
Sarah: Jimmy, are you okay?
[Jimmy explodes. He charges at Edd in a fury, looking for all the world like a mad dog. Edd is helpless against the berserk Jimmy; a thug through happenstance, he has no idea how to defend himself against the onslaught]
Eddy: [seeing Edd losing] Double D! Do something! You're the tough guy!
[Jimmy finishes up. The dust clears, his face turns to normal, and he looks around]
Jimmy: What happened?
Rolf: The reign of the head-in-sock tyrant has ceased!
[Edd lies on the ground in pain, bruised all over with a bite mark on his tongue and looking like he lost a fight with a crazed superhero. Jimmy is shocked of learning of what he has done to Edd]
The Kids: [carrying Jimmy on their shoulders] Jimmy, Jimmy, he's our boy, he'll take you to the trash like a broken toy! [The kids runs over Eddy, walking on him from top-to-bottom as he stands, now leaving him battered and bruised. Kevin brings up the rear. He walks up to Eddy]
Kevin: Nice jacket. [Eddy stares at him angrily. He leaves the pit, wearing Eddy's jacket now] Dorks.
May: Aw, we missed our scrap, Marie!
Marie: Yeah, but we got here just in time to kiss the loser better.
Edd: [nervously] Little late for an entrance, isn't it?
Lee: Double D! [grabs him by the hat and points to her swollen foot] You should see the shiner you left on my foot. Clumsy oafs are so cute.
May: They sure are!
Marie: Pucker up, sweetie!
Eddy: (fumes) HEY! [the Kankers turn to face him in surprise] HE'S! HAD! ENOUGH ALREADY!!! [the Kankers stare in shock] Beat it!
[The Kankers look nervous for a moment, then drop Edd and walk away silently, feigning nonchalance. Edd looks at the girls with a concerned expression, then he meets Eddy's gaze and pokes his tongue out at them a little]
Ed: [in awe] Good one, Eddy.
Eddy: Vultures!
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