Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr. Hitler?

Lyrics by Jimmy Perry, music by Derek Taverner, performed by Bud Flanagan.

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler

If you think we’re on the run?

We are the boys who will stop your little game!

We are the boys who will make you think again!

'Cause, who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler,

If you think old England’s done?

Mr Brown goes off to town on the eight twenty one,

But he comes home each evening and he’s ready with his gun.

[The following verse was omitted from the broadcast theme tune.]

So watch out, Mr Hitler,

You have met your match in us.

If you think you can crush us,

We're afraid you've missed the bus.

'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler,

If you think old England’s done?

"The Man and the Hour" [1.01]

"Museum Piece" [1.02]

Jones: Don't be like that dad, there's a war on.

Jones' Dad: Oh, I wondered what the noise was.

"Command Decision" [1.03]

"The Enemy Within the Gates" [1.04]

Polish Officer: You're supposed to keep a look out like soldiers, not talk like old women. What are your names?

Jones: Jones, sir.

Pike: Pike, sir.

Walker: Smith.

Jones: Walker.

Walker: Oh, thanks very much.

Polish Officer: It's no good you try and give me falseys.

"The Showing up of Corporal Jones" [1.05]

"Shooting Pains" [1.05]

"Operation Kilt" [2.01]

"The Battle of Godfrey's Cottage" [2.02]

"Sgt. Wilson's Little Secret" [2.04]

[Note: The Loneliness of the Long Distance Walker (2.03), A Stripe for Frazer (2.05) and Under Fire (2.06) are missing episodes. In 2019, they were remade with a new cast.]

"The Armoured Might of Lance Corporal Jones" [3.01]

"Battle School" [3.02]

"The Lion Has Phones" [3.03]

"The Bullet Is Not For Firing" [3.04]

Vicar: Mr Mainwaring, if you can do your blood-curdling bayonet practice in the middle of my responses, I can do my Jubilate in the middle of your inquiry!

Jones: I was just going to give the order...just going to give the order...just going to give..

Mainwaring: What's the matter, Corporal?

Jones: I think I'm going Sir. I hear angels' voices!

Mainwaring: Those are not angels' voices; it's the choir in the office!

Jones: Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!

Jones: Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'.

Mainwaring: No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE!

(BANG!)

(The platoon have instinctively followed the order and pulled the triggers on their guns, which were loaded, unknown to them. Pieces of debris rain down from the roof as the Vicar and Mr Yeatman come rushing in)

Mr Yeatman: VANDALS!

Mainwaring: Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

"Something Nasty in the Vault" [3.05]

"Room at the Bottom" [3.06]

"Big Guns" [3.07]

"The Day the Balloon Went Up" [3.08]

"War Dance" [3.09]

"Menace from the Deep" [3.10]

"Branded" [3.11]

"Man Hunt" [3.12]

"No Spring for Frazer" [3.13]

Having cleaned and returned a Lewis gun

Frazer: Thank goodness! I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.

Mainwaring: That is not the right attitude to adopt, Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.

Frazer: If it was a privilege, none of us would ever be getting a look in; you and the Sergeant would be doing it all the time.

Mainwaring: That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.

Frazer: What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.

Mainwaring: Your workshop?

Frazer: Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.

Mainwaring: Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it.

Jones: Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.

"Sons of the Sea" [3.14]

"The Big Parade" [4.01]

"Don't Forget the Diver" [4.02]

"Boots, Boots, Boots" [4.03]

"Sgt – Save My Boy!" [4.04]

"Don't Fence Me In" [4.05]

(Trying to find someone to open the door of a prisoner of war camp)

Jones: Is anybody there? Is anybody there? If you are not there, say so.

"Absent Friends" [4.06]

"Put That Light Out!" [4.07]

"The Two and a Half Feathers" [4.08]

"Mum's Army" [4.09]

"The Test" [4.10]

Watching Hodges' opening bowler walking to his mark

Mainwaring: Where is he going?

Hodges: It's when he comes to you, you want to worry. That ball leaves his hand at ninety five miles an hour. This guy would've been playing for England if the war hadn't started. ("The Bowler" is played by former England fast bowler Fred Trueman).

Mainwaring: What?

Hodges: I'm gonna enjoy this.

(The Bowler runs in and Mainwaring is beaten for pace and knocked off his feet)

Hodges: (Laughing) Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?

Mainwaring: He's not bowling at the stumps. He's bowling at me.

"A. Wilson (Manager)?" [4.11]

[Mainwaring has just received two phone calls informing him that Wilson has been made manager of the Eastgate branch and Wilson has been commissioned. Shortly afterwards the phone rings again]

Mainwaring: Yes, Mainwaring here.

Vicar: Good Morning Mr. Mainwaring, Vicar here.

Mainwaring: What are you going to tell me about Wilson; that he's been made Archbishop of Canterbury?

"Uninvited Guests" [4.12]

[after talking (for a considerable time) about how he had seen a curse]

Frazer: DEATH! THE RUBY WILL BRING YE DEATH! DE-E-ATH!

Pike: Did the curse come true?

Frazer: Aye son it did, he died....last year, he was 86.

"Fallen Idol" [4.13]

Drinking game in the officers' mess: being made a Cardinal

Mainwaring: (tipsy) Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Square: (laughs) What's that got to do with it?

Mainwaring: It's all the same thing. It's all religious, isn't it?

Square: It's the wrong denomination.

Mainwaring: Wrong denomi-...nomination?

Square: Yes, it's RC. You wanted C of E.

Mainwaring: Yes. Right. (raises his glass) Here's to the health...of the Duchess of York...who's a friend of Cardinal Puff-Puff-Puff-Puff!

"Battle of the Giants" [1971 Christmas Special]

"Asleep in the Deep" [5.01]

"Keep Young and Beautiful" [5.02]

Sergeant Wilson is waiting for Godfrey, Frazer and Jones to fall in as quickly as possible

Wilson: Come on. Come on, gents, hurry up, hurry up. Come on. Come on, Godfrey.

(Godfrey and Frazer enter with makeup and black hair and join the platoon. Then, Jones comes in with black hair and looks at Sergeant Wilson)

Jones: Oh, there you are.

Wilson: Over there.

Jones: Oh, right. (Joins the platoon, but he stands in front of Frazer)

Wilson: All right, Jones, fall in. Quick as you can. Come on.

Walker: Come on, Jonesy. Come on. (Drags Corporal Jones into position) In you get.

Jones: I'm sorry, Sergeant. Only without my specs, I'm a bit hard of seeing.

Wilson: Yes, of course. Right, squad. (Jones stamps his foot) Wait for it, Jones.

Jones: I'm sorry, Sergeant, I'm a bit too alert this morning.

Wilson: Yes, of course you are. Right, squad, attention!

(The platoon stamps their feet, with Jones doing it last)

Jones: Is that better?

Wilson: No, it wasn't really much better, but it doesn't matter. (to Mainwaring who comes in) Platoon ready for your inspection, sir.

Mainwaring: Thank you, Sergeant. Now, I think you all know me well enough to know that this inspection by the Area Commander is very much against my wishes. However, orders are orders. But if any of you are urged to join the ARP against your wishes, I shall complain to the very highest authority possible.

Men: Thank you very much, sir.

(Mainwaring and Wilson start inspecting the men, with Private Pike going first)

Mainwaring: I think you'll be all right, Pike.

Pike: Yes, sir.

Mainwaring: And you, Walker. (Goes to Jones) And... Who is this?

Wilson: I think that's Jones, sir.

Mainwaring: Jones? What on earth have you been doing to yourself?

Jones: I didn't want to leave you, Captain Mainwaring, nor these brave troops that you captain and I lance corporal. Private Frazer's fixed me up.

Mainwaring: What's the meaning of this, Frazer?

Frazer: (Mutters)

Walker: What did Horace say, Winnie?

Jones: He's not speaking very plainly this afternoon, sir, on the account that his cheeks is puffed up with cotton wool.

Mainwaring: Did you know about this?

Wilson: Yes, I did, sir, but I turned a blind eye to it.

Mainwaring: Well, you've no business to. I'm the only one with authority to turn blind eye. (Goes over to Godfrey who has put makeup on) God. Godfrey? Whatever's happened to you?

Godfrey: Well, it's Mr. Frazer's fluid, sir. It stretches the skin.

Mainwaring: This is ridiculous. He looks like Madame Butterfly. (to Godfrey) Get it off at once!

Godfrey: I don't think I can, sir.

Mainwaring: How long does it last, Frazer?

Frazer: (Mutters)

Mainwaring: What did he say?

Jones: He says he's never dug anyone up to have a look.

(Then, Mr Hodges walks in)

Hodges: Ah, there you are, Napoleon.

Mainwaring: How dare you barge in here like that in the middle of parade! What do you want?

Wilson: Clear off, will you?

Hodges: I just wanted you to know, if you've got any ideas about getting me into your shower, forget it. Look. (Removes his helmet to reveal that his hair is now white)

Mainwaring: Very distinguished.

Hodges: Not bad, eh?

Walker: Wait till he tries to get it off.

Mainwaring: I can't think why you went to all that trouble.

Hodges: Why? Because I'd rather look 107 than serve under you. That's why.

Mainwaring: I see. Pity it doesn't show under the hat.

Hodges: Well, what if it doesn't? I'll stoop. That's what I'll do, I'll stoop a bit. Yes, stoop. (The men start talking) They're not getting me into your squad, Mainwaring. The way I'm going on parade, they wouldn't even have me in the Chelsea Pensioners.

(The men start talking again until Mainwaring speaks)

Mainwaring: Now I don't approve of this ridiculous charade, but it's too late to do anything about it. So be it on your own heads.

Wilson: That was rather witty, sir.

Mainwaring: Carry on, sergeant.

Wilson: Aye, sir. (Turns to the platoon) Attention. Platoon, left, turn. (The platoon turns left) By the right, quick march. Left wheel. (The men start marching as Jones walks up to Mainwaring)

Mainwaring: That way, Corporal. (Turns Jones round so that he follows the others)

"A Soldier's Farewell" [5.03]

"Getting the Bird" [5.04]

"The Desperate Drive of Corporal Jones" [5.05]

"If the Cap Fits..." [5.06]

[Captain Mainwaring is giving his platoon a lecture on German infantrymen, panzer crew and parachutists. He is currently teaching them about an infantryman]

Mainwaring: Now I want you to notice the dozy expression on this man's face. Quite different, you see, from the British, keen, alert. (Notices Godfrey sleeping) Godfrey. Godfrey. (Laugh track drowns out his speech of "Wake him up")

Frazer: Come on.

Walker: Hey, come on, be keen and alert.

Godfrey: I'm sorry, sir. I must have dropped off. It's rather stuffy in here.

Mainwaring: Yes, it is. I'm afraid you'll have to put up with it. We're on active service now, you know, Godfrey. Now it's quite on the cards that the first Germans we shall encounter will be parachutists. Now I'm going to show you one or two pictures of them. Can we have the first parachutist, Corporal, please?

Jones: Yes, right, sir. Right, all right. Keep back, keep back. Right, sir. Right, click!

[Jones puts on the picture of a parachutist, upside-down]

Mr Yeatman: It's upside down! You've done it. I knew you'd put one in upside down.

Jones: It's not upside down, it's just...

Mainwaring: Of course it's upside down.

Walker: Excuse me, sir. I think Jonesy's right. Perhaps his parachute didn't open and he landed on his head!

Mainwaring: Don't be absurd, Walker. (To Jones) Put it the other way around.

Jones: Right, sir. Right, sir. (Flips the picture the right way up)

Wilson: Parachutist, second lieutenant.

Pike: Mainwaring?

Mainwaring: Yes?

Pike: Why has he got such titchy legs?

Walker: They're not titchy legs, that's his uniform. It's cut low. The crotch is cut low.

[Mainwaring looks at the picture of the second lieutenant parachutist]

Mainwaring: I wouldn't call that low.

Frazer: Stuffing, sir.

Mainwaring: What did you say, Frazer?

Frazer: Protection. Padding for protection.

Walker: That's right, sir. In case he lands on iron railings.

Jones: That's right. Joe's right, sir. They don't like landing on iron railings. They don't like it up 'em!

Mainwaring: All right. All right. Yes, you may have a point there, uh, Walker.

Godfrey: Sir, all the iron railings have been taken away for scrap.

Mainwaring: The Germans don't know that, do they?

Pike: Where's his gun?

Walker: Perhaps he left it in the plane when he jumped.

Mainwaring: Walker. Walker, one more word out of you and I shall ask you to leave this lecture.

[Then, Mr Hodges enters the church hall]

Hodges: Evening, Napoleon.

Mainwaring: What do you want?

Hodges: I want to have a word with the verger.

Mr Yeatman: Oh, I'm sorry I can't stop now, Mr Hodges, I'm standing by to see there's no incorrect use of the vicar's apparatus.

Hodges: What are you all doing crouching in here with the blackouts up?

Mainwaring: If you must know, I'm giving a lecture.

Hodges: A lecture? You're looking at funny photos.

Mainwaring: Funny photos?

Hodges: Yeah. Pin-ups, girls with no phwoar!

Mainwaring: Girls with no... How dare you?! Leave this hall at once!

Hodges: I'm not going till I've seen the verger.

Mainwaring: Well, sit down until I've finished the lecture. And listen, you might learn something.

Hodges: Right. Carry on.

Wilson: German Navy!

Mainwaring: Just a mo... Just a, just a moment. Just a minute. I'll give the orders here.

Wilson: I beg your pardon.

[The men start talking until Mainwaring stops them]

Mainwaring: Quiet.

Wilson: Shall I go now, sir?

Mainwaring: Yes. Carry on.

Wilson: Right, Thank you very much. German Navy, admiral of the line. The number of rings worn denote the rank.

Mainwaring: Right let's have the slide, Corporal.

Jones: Yes. Yes, sir. Sorry, sir, I've just, I'm just getting into a bit of a muddle here. (to the Verger) Stand back. Stand back.

Mainwaring: I'll sort this out.

Jones: Yes, Right, sir. Right, ready, sir. Ready.

Mainwaring: Read it out again, Wilson.

Wilson: All right, sir. German Navy, admiral of the line. The number of rings worn denotes the rank.

Jones: Click! (Puts on the next slide off-camera and the slide turns out to be a picture of a topless Zulu woman)

[Mainwaring walks up to the verger and Corporal Jones while the camera fades to black]

"The King was in His Counting House" [5.07]

"All is Safely Gathered In" [5.08]

"When Did You Last See Your Money?" [5.09]

"Brain Versus Brawn" [5.10]

"A Brush with the Law" [5.11]

"Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel" [5.12]

[Captain Mainwaring and his platoon are inside a crypt discussing their latest assignment]

Mainwaring: Now what I have to say to you must not go outside this crypt. You understand?

Men: Yes, sir. Yes.

Mainwaring: Now, on Saturday, a new secret weapon is being tested on the disused airfield, and we have been detailed for special duties.

Frazer: What exactly will we have to do, sir?

Mainwaring: I don't know yet, Frazer, but Captain Stewart has left a list of the articles that we have to bring along with us. So, perhaps we can deduce something from that. (to Wilson) Have you got the list, Wilson?

Wilson': Yes, I have, sir. Have it somewhere here.

Mainwaring: Read it out, would you, please?

Wilson: Yes, right, here. Uh, right. Uh, Three knives and three shovels.

Mainwaring: Three knives and three shovels. Now, what are we to hazard from that?

Walker: Well, I think I've got it, Captain Mainwaring. If we find a fifth columnist, we kill him, and then we bury him.

Mainwaring: Now, look, Walker. Don't start. (to Wilson) What else is on the list?

Wilson: (Reads out the list) Three bars of soap, three scrubbing brushes and three buckets.

Jones: Perhaps it's a dirty secret weapon. And we gotta clean it, see?

Mainwaring: No, I shouldn't think so, Corporal. No, I think they have experts for that sort of work. However, whatever it is, I'm sure you'll all back me up to the hilt.

Men: Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Jones: Sir, I've just been struck by something deadly.

Walker: Don't tell me there are scorpions down here.

Jones: Sir, I look at it this way, we're now all put in possession of highly secret information. Now, supposing we was captured by an enemy agent, sir. How long could we stand out against torture before we revealed ourselves?

Mainwaring: I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy now, Jones.

Jones: Just a minute, Mr Mainwaring, don't give me that realms of what's-his-name, please. This is vital. I could be tortured, any of us could.

Mainwaring: Oh, pull yourself together, Jones.

Jones: No, sir. No, sir. I must awake you to this deadly danger, sir.

Mainwaring: (to Wilson) Get him back in the line.

Wilson: All right. All right. Go back in the line. Calm down! Come on, come on, get back into the ranks. Go on.

Pike: Mr Mainwaring.

Mainwaring: Yes?

Pike: They might use that torture where they tip your head back and pour gallons of water down you.

Godfrey: Oh, dear. I don't think I can stand very much of that.

Jones: Captain Mainwaring, I'd like to volunteer to be tortured, sir. I'd like to be the guinea pig, sir. I would like to suffer. I demand to suffer, sir! I demand to suffer, sir!

Frazer: Shut up! (Slaps Jones)

Jones: What'd you that for? That hurt. Sir, he hit me.

Frazer: I'm sorry, Captain Mainwaring. As you can see, the corporal was getting hysterical. He's getting us all on edge.

Mainwaring: All right, all right. Back in the ranks. Calm down.

Wilson: Keep quiet.

Mainwaring: Settle down.

Wilson: Quiet.

Mainwaring: Now. I must warn you that, whatever else happens, we've got to...

Wilson: 'Scuse me, sir.

Mainwaring: Yes?

Wilson: There is somebody lurking in the shadows.

Mainwaring: Pretend you haven't seen him.

Wilson: Yes, all right, sir.

Mainwaring: Act nonchalantly and change places with me.

Wilson: Right, sir.

Mainwaring: Now. (Switches places with Wilson)

Wilson: All right, sir?

Mainwaring: All right, yes. (Clears his throat) Now, I must point out to you that... (Walks up to Mr Hodges, who has just entered the crypt) Get your hands in the air!

[The men start jeering because of Mr. Hodges' presence]

Pike: Look who it is.

Mainwaring: How dare you spy on us.

Hodges: I wasn't spying on you. The light from your candles was flickering through the grating! A Jerry plane would see it from miles away. And don't point that gun at me.

Wilson: Good Lord, sir, he must've heard everything we said.

Walker: Blimey, He'll blow the gaff.

Hodges: Of course I won't. I'm fighting for my country the same as you are.

Jones: You can't rely on him, sir. A couple of drinks and he's a right blabbermouth. That secret will be all round the Red Lion before closing time.

Mainwaring: I think you're right, Jones. We can't afford to take a risk.

Frazer: Cap'n Mainwaring, I could. I could screw him down in one of my coffins.

Wilson: Don't be silly, Frazer. For heaven's sake, he'd suffocate.

Frazer: Well, if you're fussy I could bore a wee hole.

Mainwaring: Get back in your place, Frazer.

Pike: Shoot him, Mr Mainwaring. You're entitled to. Shoot him.

Mainwaring: Oh, be quiet, Pike. There's only one thing for it, we shall have to take him with us. Meanwhile, he'll have to be watched in case he talks to anybody.

Walker: Well, I can watch him during the daytime, sir. I can help him out in his greengrocer shop.

Hodges: I'm not having him in my shop, he'll cheat the customers.

Walker: That'll make two of us. (Mr Hodges lashes out at him but Mainwaring drags him away)

Hodges: Take your hands off me.

Mainwaring: Be quiet!

Godfrey: Captain Mainwaring, I could look after him at night.

Mainwaring: Thank you, Godfrey.

Hodges: I'm not sleeping with that old man!

Godfrey: You mean I don't snore or anything?

Mainwaring: Now look here, Hodges, for eavesdropping on us, you could be prosecuted under the Official Secrets Act.

Hodges: Rubbish.

Mainwaring: So do as you're told. Now, we've been detailed for highly secret and special duties. That's a great honour and I'm not having it ruined by you. Believe me, Mr Chief Warden, you've got to be pretty special to be picked for special duties.

(Mr Hodges grins)

Mainwaring is not surprised to hear Wilson defending Captain Stewart

Mainwaring: You both went to public schools, didn't you?

Wilson: You know, I can't help feeling, Sir, you've got a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.

Mainwaring: There's no chip on my shoulder, Wilson. I'll tell you what there is on my shoulder, though: three pips, and don't you forget it.

"Time on My Hands" [5.13]

German airman: Bitte, mein Herr! Oh, bitte, bitte! (Please, sir! Oh, please, please!)

Jones: It's no good trying to apologise.

German airman: Schnell! Schnell! (Quick! Quick!)

Jones: Never mind about the smell. That's got nothing to do with it.

"The Deadly Attachment" [6.01]

Video version, on Youtube

German U-boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account.

Captain Mainwaring: You can write what you like; you're not going to win this war!

U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are.

Mainwaring: Oh no, you're not.

U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are!

Pvt. Pike: [Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work!

U-boat Captain: Your name will also go on the list! What is it?

Mainwaring: Don't tell him Pike!

U-boat Captain: Pike!

Later on, after the tables have turned courtesy of a foolish mistake by Hodges, the platoon are ordered to accompany the German crew on their boat, to protect them from the Navy (who will not blow up their boat if there are British men aboard):

U-boat Captain: When we arrive in France, you will be MY prisoners and then - we shall examine the List!

U-boat Captain: Just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you...and I pull the string!

Jones: Oh...don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either!

U-boat Captain: Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.

Frazer: A terrible way to die!

Mainwaring: (to the U-boat captain) You unspeakable swine!

"My British Buddy" [6.02]

"The Royal Train" [6.03]

"We Know Our Onions" [6.04]

"The Honourable Man" [6.05]

"Things that Go Bump in the Night" [6.06]

"The Recruit" [6.07]

(about Mr Yeatman)

Frazer: He has a face like a sour prune.

The Vicar has just joined the platoon, and Mainwaring is not happy about it.

Vicar: Could I stand by and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi? Finally I said to myself, no I couldn't.

Mainwaring: But you're not married.

Vicar: I have a very vivid imagination.

"Everybody's Trucking" [7.01]

"A Man of Action" [7.02]

[Mainwaring and Wilson enter the Vicar's office where the Vicar, the Verger, Mr Hodges, Inspector Baker and a fireman are all bickering]

Hodges: We can't get anywhere. We're all talking at once, we won't get anywhere! (Sees Mainwaring) Ah, where have you been? Don't you know there's an emergency on?

Mainwaring: How dare you hold a meeting in my office without my permission?

Vicar: This happens to be MY office, Captain Mainwaring.

Mainwaring: It also happens to be my office.

Hodges: And it also happens to be my office, and I'm holding an emergency meeting.

Mainwaring: Emergency. What emergency?

Vicar: Oh. Do you mean to say you haven't heard? Oh, uh, you know Inspector Baker and Fire Officer Dale.

Mainwaring: Yes.

Wilson: How awfully nice to see you. It was fun last night, wasn't it? You know, Connie wears awfully well, doesn't she?

Mainwaring: Never mind about Connie. (to Hodges) What's happening here?

Hodges: What's happened? A land mine has landed on the railway line, just outside the town.

Inspector Baker: Fortunately, nobody was seriously hurt, but it's destroyed over 100 yards of railway track!

Hodges: And the town's gas and water supplies have been cut off!

Fire Officer Dale: And if those Jerry planes drop any firebombs, we've had it.

Mainwaring: This is serious, I'm getting on to GHQ.

Hodges: Look, the telephone lines are down as well. That's no good.

[Mr Gordon enters]

Mr Gordon: I've just heard the news! No gas, no water, no telephones! The town's cut off! We're marooned! Marooned! What are we going to do?

Mainwaring: All right, all right, Mr Town Clerk. No need to get into a panic.

Mr Gordon: I'm not in a panic! But somebody's got to do something.

[Everyone starts arguing while Mainwaring and Wilson go over to a quieter part of the office]

Mainwaring: Something's got to be done, Wilson.

Wilson: Certainly has, sir.

Mainwaring: There's only one thing for it. I shall have to take charge.

Wilson: I quite agree, sir.

Mainwaring: That's just the sort of remark I'd expect... What did you say?

Wilson: I said "I quite agree, sir." Without you in charge, God knows what's going to happen to this town. I'm right behind you.

Mainwaring: Thank you, Wilson.

Wilson: Not at all, sir. Don't mention it.

Mainwaring: Now get Frazer, Jones and Godfrey in here.

Wilson: Sir.

Mainwaring: At the double.

Wilson: Right, sir.

Mainwaring: Rifles and bayonets.

[Wilson goes out into the hall and calls for Frazer, Jones and Godfrey]

Wilson: Frazer! Jones! Godfrey! In here at the double! Rifles and fixed bayonets! (Goes back into the office and speaks to Mainwaring) There you are, sir. How was that?

Mainwaring: I can hardly believe my ears. Is this really you?

Wilson: Yes, sir, it's really me, yes. When the occasion demands, I can bawl and shout just like you.

[Mainwaring goes over to the Vicar]

Mainwaring: Now, Vicar! Vicar, I'm very sorry to do this. Corporal Jones.

Jones: Sir.

Mainwaring: Frazer.

Frazer: Here.

Mainwaring: Clear my desk.

Jones: Clear the desk, clear the desk. (Threatens Mr Yeatman with a bayonet)

Mr Yeatman: How dare you threaten His Reverence with a bayonet?

Jones: He's not the only one who's being threatened. Now you clear off, mate.

Vicar: I think we better humour him, Mr Yeatman. It's quite obvious Captain Mainwaring has gone mad!

Mainwaring: Right, form in a tight group behind me.

Jones: In a tight group behind the captain! At the double, march!

Frazer: Right.

[Frazer, Jones and Godfrey form a group behind Mainwaring, albeit too tightly]

Wilson: All right, sir?

Mainwaring: Not as tight as that! Get their attention!

Frazer: Cap'n Mainwaring! Aroo! Aroo! Aroo, you Han Sassenachs! Aroo!

Mainwaring: All right, all right, Frazer.

Wilson: All right, Frazer, that's enough. Captain Mainwaring would like to make an announcement.

Mainwaring: As from now, this town is under martial law.

Everyone: Martial law?

Hodges: What's that mean?

Mainwaring: I am now taking over.

Hodges: Ooh! Ooh! He's been leading up to this for years, and now he's finally done it! Well, you won't get away with this, Napoleon! (Turns to Inspector Baker) Inspector, arrest that man!

[Inspector Baker stands up]

Inspector Baker: Captain Mainwaring, you, you really can't do this, you know. I mean, after all, if anyone should take charge, the police should. Anyway, where's your authority?

[Mainwaring places a gun on the desk]

Mainwaring: There's my symbol of authority. And I have 15 fully-armed men behind me. What have you got?

Inspector Baker: Well, there's me and my sergeant, two constables...

Fire Officer Dale: Yeah, that's right, Dick and George.

Inspector Baker: That's right, Dick and George.

Mr Cheeseman: Captain Mainwaring, man of action! I'm right behind you, boy. The power of the press, remember. The power of the press!

Mainwaring: Thank you, Mr Cheeseman.

Mr Cheeseman: Yes.

Mainwaring: Sergeant Wilson.

Wilson: Sir?

Mainwaring: Bring some paper and pencils.

Wilson: Aye, sir.

Mainwaring: The rest of you, follow me.

Mainwaring: No liquor is to be taken without my permission.

Frazer: Hold on! That is undemocratic!

Mainwaring: You, Frazer, will be in charge of all liquor permits.

Frazer: I'm right behind you, Cap'n!

"Gorilla Warfare" [7.03]

Frazer: Would you like to hear the story of the old, empty barn?

Mainwaring: Um. Yes, yes, ehh yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep. Pay attention everybody. Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on Frazer.

Frazer: Right. The story of the old, empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it.

Mainwaring (To Godfrey) You can't move swiftly across country loaded down with that.

Fraser: He couldn't move swiftly across country stark naked.

Pike: Uncle Arthur, Captain Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.

"The Godiva Affair" [7.04]

"The Captain's Car" [7.05]

"Turkey Dinner" [7.06]

"Ring Dem Bells" [8.01]

The platoon has gone into a pub dressed as Nazis, without Mainwaring's permission

Jones: We shouldn't do this, Sergeant Wilson.

Wilson: Well, what are you going to have?

Jones: A pint.

Landlord: Good morning, Gentlemen. What can I get...(turns and sees the platoon dressed as Nazis)

Pike: (in a German accent) Gut afternoon, mein host. 16 shandies mit the ginger beer.

Landlord: (stammers) Pints or 'alves?

Pike: Pints!

"When You've Got to Go" [8.02]

Mainwaring: "Your government should be more careful about who it chooses for friends."

Italian soldier: "Friends? Oh, you can talk about friends. What about Stalin?"

Mainwaring: "That's enough of that!"

"Is There Honey Still for Tea?" [8.03]

"Come In, Your Time Is Up" [8.04]

"High Finance" [8.05]

Hodges: (about lowering Mrs. Pike's rent) I'll do nothing of the sort. It's my property, and I'll charge what I want for it.

Jones: Oh, no you won't. I shall report you to the Chamber of Commerce, and they'll throw you out on your ear.

Frazer: And, as a member of the chamber of commerce (taps the table), I second that.

Godfrey: And I third it.

Frazer: (Amid much noise) You're not a shopkeeper, so shut up.

"The Face on the Poster" [8.06]

"My Brother and I" [1975 Christmas Special]

"The Love of Three Oranges" [1976 Christmas Special]

"Wake Up Walmington" [9.01]

"The Making of Private Pike" [9.02]

"Knights of Madness" [9.03]

Mainwaring: A man in my position can't be seen fighting a dragon in cardboard armour!

"The Miser's Hoard" [9.04]

Mainwaring has given the platoon a lecture about how they should keep their money and valuables in the bank.

Mainwaring: I don't think Frazer suspected I was referring particulary to him, do you?

Wilson: Oh no sir. No, not at all, no. But I must say when you said the word "gold", I did just notice that he jumped every so slightly out of his skin.

Mainwaring: Well, I'm quite sure he had no inkling that I really knew.

Wilson: Oh, no sir. No, no, no. Not at all, no.

(Frazer knocks on door)

Mainwaring: Come in... Yes Frazer.

Frazer: Captain Mainwaring, there's just one thing I want to say to you. If you think you are going to get your hands on my gold, you can think again. I don't trust banks, I don't trust bankers and I don't trust you. That's all I want to say. Thank you.

Mainwaring opens Frazer's money box

Mainwaring: It's a brick! It's a damn brick.

Frazer: Aye! It's a brick! And yon vicar can have it for the fabric of his kirk.

"Number Engaged" [9.05]

"Never Too Old" [9.06]