Born Again Virgin Christmas Special

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge! Remember...Remember...

[Then Scrooge wakes up on Christmas morning]

Ebenezer Scrooge: [gasps] I-It's Christmas morning! Oh, thank God! It's not too late to share what I've learned! [opens the window and shouts to the world, which startles the people] Ghosts are [bleep]ing real, guys! [zips downstairs, out the door, and run towards the people] I just got visited by three-three son-of-a-bitching ghosts! Is everyone hearing me?! Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died. But I implore you. Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts. And [bleep] me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches! Ghosts!! [runs off, which confuses the people]

Santa Claus: [stomach gurgling] Uh-oh. Mowed down one cookie too many. Code brown, people! [goes upstairs; farting] Oh, phenomenal. [goes into the bathroom; farting continues] Oh, God. Shh-shh! Shut up. [plop] Ah, [bleep]ing splashback! Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback! [Bleep]! It's like crapping into an overturned igloo! Okay. Let's triage this disaster. Aw. Aw! This isn't two-ply! This isn't even a ply! This is a fraction of a ply! Great. A little asshole sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start. [the boy wakes up, and hears someone coming from the bathroom] Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a [bleep]ing wooden plank. [the boy runs towards the parents bedroom to wake up his dad] Hello, next nine hours of my life. [toilet handle jiggles as the father grabs the bat] Hmm. Can't flush. I'd wake them up. Sorry, kids. One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning.

[As Santa opens the door, the father swings the bat and whacks Santa in the face, knocking him dead, literally. Blood splatters everywhere]

Dad: [to his son] Well, call the cops!

[On Christmas Eve, 1914, most of the soldiers were coughing and crying in pain because of World War I. Captions appears and says "Christmas 1914", and disappears. We pan over to the sergeant, Private Doyle, and the soldier]

Soldier 1: Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys? Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?

Sergeant: A pack of smokes would do nicely.

Soldier 2: I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!

Private Doyle: I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble.

Soldier 1: Ha! That's the spirit, Doyle.

Soldier 3: Guys, you're not going to believe this! We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans! It's a miracle!

[All the American and German soldiers are laughing and playing]

Soldier 1: I guess we're all human beings, after all.

German Soldier 1: Ve'll all be telling our children about ze great Christmas miracle truce of-

Santa Claus: [from the distance] Ho, ho, ho!

Soldier 1: What was that?

Santa Claus: [arrives on his sleigh] I'm looking for a Private Doyle. I have a very special gift for him.

German Soldier 1: [gasps] Zis is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!

Santa Claus: Doyle! I brought you that present you asked for! [pulls out a Tommy-gun] Hiya! Merry Christmas. [shoots some of the German soldiers] Come on, men! We're busting through this line! [shoots some more] Do it for Doyle!

German Soldier 2: Nein!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! [a reindeer kills some of the Germans with its hooves] Heads up, Jerry! [throws a grenade into an igloo and explodes. He faces the last German soldier with his pistol]

German Soldier 1: [crying] But ve had ze truce! [holding Doyle hostage with his knife]

[Santa tries to shoot the German soldier, but he ran out of ammo]

Private Doyle: [relieved] Oh, thank God. Look, there was a truce! [Santa finally shoots the German soldier dead] GOD DAMN IT! STOP!!!! I don't care what I asked for! We made a Christmas truce! It was a triumph of humanity!

Santa Claus: [realizing his mistake] Wha-? You're kidding me! Oh, damn. That really sounds like it would have been inspiring. Anyway, who had the socks?

[Soldier 2 raises his hand, and Santa tosses the pair of socks to him]