Imago therapy

Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is a form of therapy that focuses on relationship counseling, and transforms a conflict into an opportunity to grow and heal.[1] The goal of IRT is to allow couples to understand each other's feelings, childhood trauma, and wounds on a more empathetic level. Using a deeper level of empathy to understand each other will allow couples to better understand and manage their relationship, on a personal level, and on a romantic level.

IRT was developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt.[2] Hendrix is the author of "Getting the Love You Want" A Guide for Couples (1988)', a best-selling book. The word imago is Latin for "image"; in this sense, it is referring to the "unconscious image of similar love."[3] Hendrix found that there is a connection between the frustrations experienced in adult relationships, and the experiences people have during early childhood. Hendrix was hoping to establish the "imago dialogue" within couples' relationships, so they could move from blame and reactivity, to understanding and empathy. Experiences like frequent criticism or neglect as a child can come up when people are married or in a committed relationship.[4] For example, if ones spouse is criticizing or neglecting them, then this can trigger past memories of criticism and neglect from their parents during childhood. Dr. Hendrix stated that when people begin to understand their partners feelings and childhood experiences, they can begin to "heal their relationship and move toward a more conscious relationship".[5]

Theory

Imago Relationship Therapy was developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. After Hendrix signed his divorce papers, he started to develop the theory. A student in his class at Daybreak University questioned Hendrix on how men and women have a hard time relating to one another. Hendrix was not sure why this was an issue, but he was dedicated to finding the solution. This student's question is what piqued his interest in starting Imago Relationship Therapy. A lot of the IRT content and dynamics relate to Hendrix and Hunt's relationship; their relationship lead to the co-creation of Imago Relationship Therapy.[5]

Methods

Imago Relationship Therapy focuses on collaboratively healing childhood wounds that couples share.[6] According to Hendrix and Hunt, the human brain has a compelling non-negotiable drive to restore feelings of aliveness and wholeness with which people came into the world.[5] It is believed by imago therapists that a person's brain constructs an image of characteristics from their primary caretakers; including both their best and worst traits.[5] The brain's unconscious drive is to repair the damage done in childhood, and the needs that were not met, by finding a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide.[7] This is why people often form relationships with partners who reflect traits of their own parents. A person's unconscious self drives them towards this, to seek healing, and to resolve unresolved childhood wounds in order to grow. In this way, wounds received from their parents, tend to be re-stimulated by new adult partners, and potential future partners. The re-stimulation triggers old, unresolved emotions.

Both people in the relationship can learn how to heal one another, and appreciate each other for the person they are. Couples must engage in a specific type of dialogue for IRT to work. The conscious self may not be able to see and understand clearly the reflection of unresolved parental issues in his or her significant other. Nonetheless, a person's unconscious self connects with their partner's in its best (unconscious) effort, to heal old wounds, and allow love into their lives again. There are four principles that are used in the clinical setting for IRT. These four are thought to be the most essential ingredients to bring intimacy back into the relationship.[8]

  1. Becoming present to your partner - This requires a transformation of consciousness in which one discovers the “otherness” of the partner, in which we get that “my partner is not me,” which promotes progress toward the important developmental leap, known as differentiation.
  2. Learning a new way to talk - that is, turning the conversation from an exchange of parallel monologues into a dialogue. Dialogue creates equality, safety, and connection.
  3. Replacing judgment—the destroyer of intimacy—with curiosity, which ensures safety and deepens connection - This requires eliminating all negativity, since negativity stimulates anxiety, signals danger, and thus, activates defensiveness, perhaps the major barrier to intimacy.
  4. Infusing the relationship with positive feelings - such as liking, appreciation, admiration, acceptance, and similar emotions. These deliberate positive verbal expressions (appreciations) are among the building blocks of authentic love, which is, for Imago, the consummation of intimate partnership and the epitome of a relationship that is both safe and passionate, comfortable and exciting.[9]

The methods of IRT evolved from a one-stage process to a three-stage process. These stages consisted of mirroring, validation, and empathy. Mirroring refers to sending back the message the other person is asking. The validation stage is being able to summarize the other person's message, and then articulate back the partner's point of view. Empathy is the last stage. This stage allows the partner to feel what the other is feeling by imagining the other's emotions. These stages allow a relationship to move from an ontology of separation, to an ontology of connection. Thus meaning, that the couple is intrinsically connected.[9]

References
  1. "What is Imago?". Harville and Helen. Retrieved 2020-07-02.
  2. "What is Imago?". Harville and Helen. Retrieved 2020-07-02.
  3. Kollman, Maya; MD. "Helping Couples Get The Love They Want". Imago Couples Therapy. Retrieved 2019-04-24.
  4. Little, William (5 October 2016). "Chapter 14. Marriage and Family – Introduction to Sociology – 2nd Canadian Edition". opentextbc.ca. Retrieved 2019-04-24.
  5. "What is Imago?". Harville and Helen. Retrieved 2019-04-24.
  6. "Imago Relationship Therapy". TherapyDen. Retrieved 2019-04-24.
  7. "An Introduction to Imago Relationship Therapy". Grand Valley State University. Retrieved 2020-08-04.
  8. Hendrix, Harville. "The evolution of Imago relationship therapy" (PDF). A Personal and Professional Journey. Archived from the original (PDF) on 2017-06-25.
  9. Hendrix, Harville (2011). "imago relationship therapy".
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